POST-SYNODAL APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION AMORIS LÆTITIA OF THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS (Chapter Four : 120 -135)

POST-SYNODAL  APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION

AMORIS LÆTITIA

OF THE  HOLY FATHER

FRANCIS

CHAPTER FOUR

Love  in  marriaGe

GroWinG in conJuGaL Love

120.                                Our reflection on Saint Paul’s hymn to love has prepared us to discuss conjugal love. This is the love between husband and wife,115 a love sanctified, enriched and illuminated by the grace of the sacrament of marriage. It is an “af- fective union”,116 spiritual and sacrificial, which combines the  warmth  of  friendship  and erotic

114 marTin LuTher kinG Jr., Sermon delivered at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, Montgomery, Alabama, 17 November 1957.

115 Thomas Aquinas calls love a vis unitiva (Summa Theologiae I, q. 20, art. 1, ad 3), echoing a phrase of Pseudo-Dionysius the Areopagite (De Divinis Nominibus, IV, 12: PG 3, 709).

116  Thomas aquinas, Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 27, art. 2.

passion, and endures long after emotions and passion subside. Pope Pius XI taught that this love permeates the duties of married life and en- joys pride of place.117 Infused by the Holy Spirit, this powerful love is a reflection of the unbroken covenant between Christ and humanity that cul- minated in his self-sacrifice on the cross. “The Spirit which the Lord pours forth gives a new heart and renders man and woman capable of loving one another as Christ loved us. Conjugal love reaches that fullness to which it is interiorly ordained: conjugal charity.”118

121.                                Marriage is a precious sign, for “when a man and a woman celebrate the sacrament of marriage, God is, as it were, ‘mirrored’ in them; he impresses in them his own features and the in- delible character of his love. Marriage is the icon of God’s love for us. Indeed, God is also com- munion: the three Persons of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit live eternally in perfect uni- ty. And this is precisely the mystery of marriage: God makes of the two spouses one single exis- tence”.119 This has concrete daily consequences, because the spouses, “in virtue of the sacrament, are invested with a true and proper mission, so that, starting with the simple ordinary things  of

117 Encyclical Letter Casti Connubii (31 December 1930): AAS 22 (1930), 547-548.

118 John pauL II, Apostolic Exhortation  Familiaris Consortio (22 November 1981) 13: AAS 74 (1982), 94.

119 Catechesis (2 April 2014): L’Osservatore Romano, 3 April 2014, p. 8.

life they can make visible the love with which Christ loves his Church and continues to give his life for her”.120

122.                              We should not however confuse different levels: there is no need to lay upon two limited persons the tremendous burden of having to reproduce perfectly the union existing between Christ and his Church, for marriage as a sign entails “a dynamic process…, one which advanc- es gradually with the progressive integration of the gifts of God”.121

Lifelong sharing

123.                               After the love that unites us to God, con- jugal love is the “greatest form of friendship”.122 It is a union possessing all the traits of a good friendship: concern for the good of the other, reciprocity, intimacy, warmth, stability and the resemblance born of a shared life. Marriage joins to all this an indissoluble exclusivity expressed in the stable commitment to share and shape to- gether the whole of life. Let us be honest and acknowledge the signs that this is the case. Lovers do not see their relationship  as mere-   ly temporary.   Those who marry do not  expect

120  Ibid.

121 John pauL II, Apostolic Exhortation  Familiaris Consortio (22 November 1981), 9: AAS 75 (1982), 90.

122 Thomas aquinas, Summa Contra Gentiles III, 123; cf. ArisToTLe, Nicomachean Ethics, 8, 12 (ed. Bywater, Oxford, 1984, 174).

their excitement to fade. Those who witness the celebration of a loving union, however fragile, trust that it will pass the test of time. Children not only want their parents to love one another, but also to be faithful and remain together. These and similar signs show that it is in the very nature of conjugal love to be definitive. The lasting union expressed by the marriage vows is more than a formality or a traditional formula; it is rooted in the natural inclinations of the human person. For believers, it is also a covenant before God that calls for fidelity: “The Lord was wit- ness to the covenant between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant…  Let none be faithless to the wife   of his youth. For I hate divorce, says the Lord” (Mal 2:14-16).

124.                                 A love that is weak or infirm, incapable of accepting marriage as a challenge to be taken up and fought for, reborn, renewed and reinvented until death, cannot sustain a great commitment. It will succumb to the culture of the ephemeral that prevents a constant process of growth. Yet “promising love for ever is possible when we per- ceive a plan bigger than our own ideas and un- dertakings, a plan which sustains us and enables us to surrender our future entirely to the one we love”.123   If this love is to overcome all trials and

123 Encyclical Letter Lumen Fidei (29 June 2013), 52: AAS 105 (2013), 590.

remain faithful in the face of everything, it needs the gift of grace to strengthen and elevate it. In the words of Saint Robert Bellarmine, “the fact that one man unites with one woman in an indis- soluble bond, and that they remain inseparable despite every kind of difficulty, even when there is no longer hope for children, can only be the sign of  a great mystery”.124

125.                             Marriage is likewise a friendship marked by passion, but a passion always directed to an ever more stable and intense union. This is be- cause “marriage was not instituted solely for the procreation of children” but also that mutual love “might be properly expressed, that it should grow and mature”.125 This unique friendship be- tween a man and a woman acquires an all-encom- passing character only within the conjugal union. Precisely as all-encompassing, this union is also exclusive, faithful and open to new life. It shares everything in constant mutual respect. The Sec- ond Vatican Council echoed this by stating that “such a love, bringing together the human and the divine, leads the partners to a free and mutual self-giving, experienced in tenderness and action, and permeating their entire lives”.126

124  De sacramento matrimonii, I, 2; in Id., Disputationes, III, 5, 3 (ed. Giuliano, Naples, 1858), 778.

125 second vaTican ecumenicaL counciL, Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et Spes, 50.

126    Ibid., 49.

Joy and beauty

126.                                   In marriage, the joy of love needs to be cultivated. When the search for pleasure be- comes obsessive, it holds us in thrall and keeps us from experiencing other satisfactions. Joy, on the other hand, increases our pleasure and helps us find fulfilment in any number of things, even at those times of life when physical pleasure has ebbed. Saint Thomas Aquinas said that the word “joy” refers to an expansion of the heart.127 Mar- ital joy can be experienced even amid sorrow; it involves accepting that marriage is an inevitable mixture of enjoyment and struggles, tensions and repose, pain and relief, satisfactions and longings, annoyances and pleasures, but always on the path of friendship, which inspires married couples to care for one another: “they help and serve each other”.128

127.                                   The love of friendship is called “charity” when it perceives and esteems the “great worth” of another person.129 Beauty – that “great worth” which is other than physical or psychological appeal – enables us to appreciate the sacredness of a person, without feeling the need to possess it. In a consumerist society, the sense of beauty is impoverished and so joy fades.  Everything  is

127    Cf. Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 31, art. 3., ad 3.

128 second vaTican ecumenicaL counciL, Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et Spes, 48.

129 Cf. Thomas aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 26, art. 3.

there to be purchased, possessed or consumed, including people. Tenderness, on the other hand, is a sign of a love free of selfish possessiveness. It makes us approach a person with immense re- spect and a certain dread of causing them harm or taking away their freedom. Loving another person involves the joy of contemplating and appreciating their innate beauty and sacredness, which is greater than my needs. This enables me to seek their good even when they cannot belong to me, or when they are no longer physically ap- pealing but intrusive and annoying. For “the love by which one person is pleasing to another de- pends on his or her giving something freely”.130

128.                                  The aesthetic experience of love is ex- pressed in that “gaze” which contemplates oth- er persons as ends in themselves, even if they are infirm, elderly or physically unattractive. A look of appreciation has enormous importance, and to begrudge it is usually hurtful. How many things do spouses and children sometimes do in order to be noticed! Much hurt and many prob- lems result when we stop looking at one another. This lies behind the complaints and grievances we often hear in families: “My husband does not look at me; he acts as if I were invisible”. “Please look at me when I am talking to you!”. “My wife no longer looks at me, she only  has eyes for   our children”.  “In my own home nobody cares

130    Ibid., q. 110, art. 1.

about me; they do not even see me; it is as if I did not exist”. Love opens our eyes and enables us to see, beyond all else, the great worth of a human being.

129.                           The joy of this contemplative love needs to be cultivated. Since we were made for love, we know that there is no greater joy than that  of sharing good things: “Give, take, and treat yourself well” (Sir 14:16).  The  most  intense joys in life arise when we are able to elicit joy in others, as a foretaste of heaven. We can think of the lovely scene in the film Babette’s Feast, when the generous cook receives a grateful hug and praise: “Ah, how you will delight the angels!” It is a joy and a great consolation to bring delight to others, to see them enjoying themselves. This joy, the fruit of fraternal love, is not that of the vain and self-centred, but of lovers who delight in the good of those whom they love, who give freely to them and thus bear good fruit.

130.                             On the other hand, joy also grows through pain and sorrow. In the words of Saint Augus- tine, “the greater the danger in battle the great- er is the joy of victory”.131 After suffering and struggling together, spouses are able to experi- ence that it was worth it, because they achieved some good, learned something as a couple, or came to appreciate what they have.  Few human

131   auGusTine, Confessions, VIII, III, 7: PL 32, 752.

joys are as deep and thrilling as those experi- enced by two people who love one another and have achieved something as the result of a great, shared effort.

Marrying for love

131.                          I would like to say to young people that none of this is jeopardized when their love finds expression in marriage. Their union encounters in this institution the means to ensure that their love truly will endure and grow. Naturally, love  is much more than an outward consent or a con- tract, yet it is nonetheless true that choosing to give marriage a visible form in society by under- taking certain commitments shows how import- ant it is. It manifests the seriousness of each person’s identification with the other and their firm decision to leave adolescent individualism behind and to belong to one another. Marriage  is a means of expressing that we have truly left the security of the home in which we grew up in order to build other strong ties and to take on a new responsibility for another person. This is much more meaningful than a mere spontaneous association for mutual gratification, which would turn marriage into a purely private affair. As a social institution, marriage protects and shapes  a shared commitment to deeper growth in love and commitment to one another, for the good  of society as a whole. That is why marriage is more than a fleeting fashion; it is of enduring importance. Its essence derives from our human

nature and social character. It involves a series  of obligations born of love itself, a love so seri- ous and generous that it is ready to face any risk.

132.                            To opt for marriage in this way express-  es a genuine and firm decision to join paths, come what may. Given its seriousness, this pub- lic commitment of love cannot be the fruit of a hasty decision, but neither can it be postponed indefinitely. Committing oneself exclusively and definitively to another person always involves a risk and a bold gamble. Unwillingness to make such a commitment is selfish, calculating and petty. It fails to recognize the rights of another person and to present him or her to society as someone worthy of unconditional love. If two persons are truly in love, they naturally show this to others. When love is expressed before oth- ers in the marriage contract, with all its public commitments, it clearly indicates and protects the “yes” which those persons speak freely and unreservedly to each other. This “yes” tells them that they can always trust one another, and that they will never be abandoned when difficulties arise or new attractions or selfish interests pres- ent themselves.

A love that reveals itself  and  increases

133.                           The love of friendship unifies all aspects of marital life and helps family members to grow constantly. This love must be freely and gener- ously expressed in words and acts.  In the family,

“three words need to be used. I want to repeat this! Three words: ‘Please’, ‘Thank you’, ‘Sor- ry’. Three essential words!”.132 “In our families when we are not overbearing and ask: ‘May I?’; in our families when we are not selfish and can say: ‘Thank you!’; and in our families when some- one realizes that he or she did something wrong and is able to say ‘Sorry!’, our family experienc- es peace and joy”.133 Let us not be stingy about using these words, but keep repeating them, day after day. For “certain silences are oppressive, even at times within families, between husbands and wives, between parents and children, among siblings”.134 The right words, spoken at the right time, daily protect and nurture love.

134.                           All this occurs through a process of con- stant growth. The very special  form of  love that is marriage is called to embody what Saint Thomas Aquinas said about charity in general. “Charity”, he says, “by its very nature, has no limit to its increase, for it is a participation in that infinite charity which is the Holy Spirit… Nor on the part of the subject can its limit be fixed, because as charity grows, so too does its capacity for an even greater increase”.135         Saint

132   Address to the Pilgrimage of  Families during the Year of Faith

(26 October 2013): AAS 105 (2013), 980.

133 Angelus Message (29 December 2013): L’Osservatore Romano, 30-31 December 2013, p. 7.

134   Address to the Pilgrimage of  Families during the Year of Faith

(26 October 2013): AAS 105 (2013), 978.

135    Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 24, art. 7.

Paul also prays: “May the Lord make you in- crease and abound in love to one another” (1 Th 3:12), and again, “concerning fraternal love…  we urge you, beloved, to do so more and more” (1 Th 4:9-10). More and more! Marital love is  not defended primarily by presenting indissol- ubility as a duty,  or by repeating doctrine, but  by helping it to grow ever stronger under the impulse of grace. A love that fails to grow is at risk. Growth can only occur if we respond to God’s grace through constant acts of love, acts of kindness that become ever more frequent, in- tense, generous, tender and cheerful. Husbands and wives “become conscious of their unity and experience it more deeply from day to day”.136 The gift of God’s love poured out upon the spouses is also a summons to constant growth  in grace.

135.                       It is not helpful to dream of an idyllic and perfect love needing no stimulus to grow. A ce- lestial notion of earthly love forgets that the best is yet to come, that fine wine matures with age. As the Bishops of Chile have pointed out, “the perfect families proposed by deceptive consum- erist propaganda do not exist. In those families, no one grows old, there is no sickness, sorrow  or death… Consumerist propaganda presents a fantasy that has nothing to do with the reality

136 second vaTican ecumenicaL counciL, Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et Spes, 48.

which must daily be faced by the heads of fami- lies”.137 It is much healthier to be realistic about our limits, defects and imperfections, and to re- spond to the call to grow together, to bring love to maturity and to strengthen the union, come what may.