Taking care of others
requires taking care of oneself
Children of the riverside community Menino de Deus, Brazil, visited by healthcare workers
A child protection and safeguarding expert talks about
protecting children from abuse and exploitation, and provides tips to
caregivers.
By Sr Bernadette Mary Reis, fsp
Judi Fairholm is a mother and grandmother living in
Vancouver, British Colombia, Canada. She has been working for thirty-five years
in child protection and safeguarding. Judi currently is a Senior Expert for the
Alliance for Child Protection in Humanitarian Action.
In an interview with Sr Bernadette Reis, Judi talks about
how Covid-19 has affected children in situations of abuse at home, and points
out telltale signs that a child may be being exploited or abused sexually. She
also offers tips to parents to keep their children safe from abuse or
exploitation online, as well as tips to parents for their own well-being during
lockdown.
Locked in and locked out
Judi describes the situation of children living in abusive
situations at home during the Covid-19 lockdown as “locked in and locked
out”. They not only have to deal with the reality of Covid-19, but continual
abuse as well. “I think what has happened is with the schools and communities
in society locking down children have been locked in,” Judi explains. For
children with abusive parents, relatives or caregivers, this means “they’ve
been locked in with their abusers."
The flip side of being locked in is they have also been
“locked out of schools and other agencies who often protect them.” Children in
this situation are, therefore more vulnerable. In addition, with so much time
on their hands, “children are spending longer times online and perpetrators
online have more access to them.”
Telltale signs of abuse
Judi says that children communicate “what's happening with
them by their behavior.” It is particularly necessary to be “vigilant and
sensitive” in observing behavioral changes, Judi advises. This means catching
behavior that “is not normal for a child", or seeing "a child who is
getting angry frequently”. Judi admits that stress in the family can also
trigger anger in children. "There's lots of reasons for them to get
angry,” she says, “but it's always something to explore and try to understand.”
The tools for that caregivers need to use are being vigilant, observant, and
listening to children. This can help ensure that they are safe wherever they
are, Judi says.
Third parties
Those who are not an immediate family member may pick up
these signs in children with whom they come into contact. In this case, Judi
advises that the “third party has to really listen to those signs” and “figure
out if there's a pattern”. If there does seem to be a pattern of erratic
behavior, ”they should get support for the child,” she says.
Who’s online when
Supervising children's online time and behavior “has really
been difficult for parents,” Judi says, “because obviously families are under
stress.” Families are facing much more stress under lockdown and they are
navigating the same small space for longer periods of time. “And so it's easy,
if the network is available, and if the child has a device, to just say, ‘Oh
well, they’re quiet in the corner. We don't need to worry about them.’”
It is the adult’s responsibility to understand “who they're
interacting with online and how long they’re spending online.” She also
suggests family rules regulating “when they're offline and the whole family's
offline.”
Have the conversation
Regulating when children are online, who they are online
with and what they are doing online “really changes by age”. Judi admits it is
easier to regulate younger children. The key with adolescents is dialogue, Judi
says. It requires “teaching them about when they could be at risk and what are
the signs when somebody could be trolling them, could be wanting to access
them, asking them to do things that are inappropriate, or make them feel
uncomfortable. These are the “types of conversations parents need to have with
their child,” Judi says.
Taking care of everybody
Providing care for others, and not causing harm to oneself
or others begins with caring for oneself, Judi stated:
“In order to take care of our children and our families
we need to take care of ourselves. There's always the great instructions that
come when you're in airplanes that say you put your own oxygen mask on first
before you put it on your children. I think that applies here: we need to take
care of ourselves. We need to know how to set limits on ourselves, when we need
to take breaks; when we find out that we're getting really stressed out, when
we're feeling anger, that we have systems for coping, for handling that –
either by removing ourselves from situations or by seeking support and talking
it out, whatever works for us."
The three “Rs”
Parents need to clearly identify what their expectations are
of their children and clearly communicate them.
To achieve this goal, Judi recommends the three “Rs”: to
“Reassure, to have Routines, and to Regulate”. The last R not only applies to
regulating children, Judi said. It means “Regulating our own emotions as adults
and also teaching children how to regulate emotions.”
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