POST-SYNODAL APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION AMORIS LÆTITIA OF THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS(Chapter : 150 -164)

POST-SYNODAL  APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION

AMORIS LÆTITIA

OF THE  HOLY FATHER

FRANCIS

CHAPTER FOUR

Love  in               marriaGe

The erotic dimension of  love

150.                                    All this brings us to the sexual dimension of marriage. God himself created  sexuality, which is a marvellous gift to his creatures. If  this gift needs to be cultivated and directed, it is to prevent the “impoverishment of an authentic value”.146 Saint John Paul II rejected the claim that the Church’s teaching is “a negation of the value of human sexuality”, or that the Church simply tolerates sexuality “because it is necessary for procreation”.147     Sexual desire is not   some-

146   John   pauL  II,  Catechesis  (22  October  1980),   5:

Insegnamenti III/2 (1980), 951.

147    Ibid., 3.

thing to be looked down upon, and “and there can be no attempt whatsoever to call into ques- tion its necessity”.148

151.                             To those who fear that the training of  the passions and of sexuality detracts from the spontaneity of sexual love, Saint John Paul II replied that human persons are “called to full and mature spontaneity in their relationships”,  a maturity that “is the gradual fruit of a discern- ment of the impulses of one’s own heart”.149 This calls for discipline and self-mastery, since every human person “must learn, with perse- verance and consistency, the meaning of his or her body”.150 Sexuality is not a means of grati- fication or entertainment; it is an interpersonal language wherein the other is taken seriously,   in his or her sacred and inviolable dignity. As such, “the human heart comes to participate, so to speak, in another kind of spontaneity”.151 In this context, the erotic appears as a specifically human manifestation of sexuality. It enables us to discover “the nuptial meaning of the body and the authentic dignity of the gift”.152 In his catecheses on the theology of the body, Saint John Paul II taught that sexual     differentiation

148   Id., Catechesis, (24 September 1980), 4:     Insegnamenti

III/2 (1980), 719.

149 Catechesis (12 November 1980), 2: Insegnamenti III/2 (1980), 1133.

150    Ibid., 4.

151    Ibid., 5.

152    Ibid., 1: 1132.

not only is “a source of fruitfulness and pro- creation”, but also possesses “the capacity of expressing love: that love precisely in which the human person becomes a gift”.153 A healthy sexual desire, albeit closely joined to a pursuit   of pleasure, always involves a sense of wonder, and for that very reason can humanize the im- pulses.

152.                                In no way, then, can we consider the erotic dimension of love simply as a permis- sible evil or a burden to be tolerated for the good of the family. Rather, it must be seen as gift from God that enriches the relationship   of the spouses. As a passion sublimated by a love respectful of the dignity of the other, it becomes a “pure, unadulterated affirmation” revealing the marvels of which the human heart is capable. In this way, even momentar- ily, we can feel that “life has turned out good and happy”.154

Violence and manipulation

153.                                On the basis of this positive vision of sexuality, we can approach the entire subject with a healthy realism.  It is, after all, a fact  that  sex  often  becomes  depersonalized   and

153 Catechesis (16 January 1980), 1: Insegnamenti III/1 (1980), 151.

154 Josef pieper, Über die Liebe, Munich, 2014, 174. English: On Love, in Faith, Hope, Love, San Francisco, 1997, p. 256.

unhealthy; as a result, “it becomes the occa- sion and instrument for self-assertion and the selfish satisfaction of personal desires and in- stincts”.155 In our own day, sexuality risks be-  ing poisoned by the mentality of “use and dis- card”. The body of  the other is often viewed  as an object to be used as long as it offers sat- isfaction, and rejected once it is no longer ap- pealing. Can we really ignore or overlook the continuing forms of domination, arrogance, abuse, sexual perversion and violence that are the product of a warped understanding of sex- uality? Or the fact that the dignity of others  and our human vocation to love thus end up being less important than an obscure need to “find oneself ”?

154.                         We also know that, within marriage itself, sex can become a source of suffering and ma- nipulation. Hence it must be clearly reaffirmed that “a conjugal act imposed on one’s spouse without regard to his or her condition, or per- sonal and reasonable wishes in the matter, is no true act of love, and therefore offends the mor- al order in its particular application to the inti- mate relationship of husband and wife”.156 The acts proper to the sexual union of husband and wife  correspond  to  the  nature  of  sexuality as

155 John pauL II, Encyclical Letter Evangelium Vitae (25 March 1995), 23: AAS 87 (1995), 427.

156 PauL VI, Encyclical Letter Humanae Vitae (25 July 1968), 13: AAS 60 (1968), 489.

willed by God when they take place in “a man- ner which is truly human”.157 Saint Paul insists: “Let no one transgress and wrong his brother  or sister in this matter” (1 Th 4:6). Even though Paul was writing in the context  of  a  patriar- chal culture in which women were considered completely subordinate to men, he nonetheless taught that sex must involve communication between the spouses: he brings up the possibil- ity of postponing sexual relations for a period, but “by agreement” (1 Cor 7:5).

155.                             Saint John Paul II very subtly warned that a couple can be “threatened by insatiability”158. In other words, while called to an increasingly pro- found union, they can risk effacing their differences and the rightful distance between the two. For each possesses his or her own proper and inalien- able dignity. When reciprocal belonging turns into domination, “the structure of communion in in- terpersonal relations is essentially changed”.159  It is part of the mentality of domination that those who dominate end up negating their own dignity.160 Ultimately, they no longer “identify themselves subjectively with their own body”,161 because they take away its deepest meaning. They end up using

157 second vaTican ecumenicaL counciL, Pastoral Con- stitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et Spes, 49.

158    Catechesis (18 June 1980), 5: Insegnamenti III/1 (1980), 1778.

159    Ibid., 6.

160 Cf. Catechesis (30 July 1980), 1: Insegnamenti III/2 (1980), 311.

161   Catechesis (8 April 1981), 3: Insegnamenti IV/1 (1981), 904.

sex as form of escapism and renounce the beauty of conjugal union.

156.                                Every form of sexual submission must be clearly rejected. This includes all improp-  er interpretations of the passage in  the  Let- ter to the Ephesians where Paul tells women  to “be subject to your husbands” (Eph 5:22). This passage mirrors  the  cultural  categories of the time, but our concern is not with its cultural matrix but with the revealed message that it conveys.  As  Saint John  Paul  II  wise- ly observed: “Love excludes every kind of subjection whereby  the  wife  might  become a servant or a slave of the husband… The community or unity which they should estab- lish through marriage is constituted by a re- ciprocal donation of self, which is also a mu- tual subjection”.162 Hence Paul goes on to say that “husbands should love their wives as their own bodies” (Eph 5:28). The biblical text is actually concerned with encouraging everyone to overcome a  complacent individualism and to be constantly mindful of others: “Be sub- ject to one another” (Eph 5:21). In marriage, this reciprocal “submission” takes on a special meaning, and is seen as a freely chosen mutual belonging marked by fidelity, respect and care. Sexuality is inseparably at the service of     this

162 Catechesis (11 August 1982), 4: Insegnamenti V/3 (1982), 205-206.

conjugal friendship, for it is meant to aid the fulfilment of  the other.

157.                                    All the same, the rejection of distortions of sexuality  and  eroticism  should  never  lead us to a disparagement or neglect of  sexuality and eros in themselves. The ideal of marriage cannot be seen purely as generous  donation and self-sacrifice, where each spouse renounc- es all personal  needs and seeks only the oth-  er’s good without concern for personal satis- faction. We need to remember that authentic love also needs to be able to receive the other,  to accept one’s own vulnerability and  needs, and to welcome with sincere and joyful grati- tude the physical expressions of  love found in  a caress, an embrace, a kiss and sexual union. Benedict XVI stated this very clearly: “Should man aspire to be pure spirit and to reject the flesh as pertaining to his animal nature alone, then spirit and body would both lose their dig- nity”.163 For this reason, “man cannot live by oblative, descending love alone. He cannot al- ways give, he must also receive. Anyone who wishes to give love must also receive love as      a gift”.164 Still, we must never forget that our human equilibrium is fragile; there is a part of  us that resists real human growth, and any   mo-

163 Encyclical Letter Deus Caritas Est (25 December 2005), 5: AAS 98 (2006), 221.

164    Ibid., 7.

ment it can unleash the most primitive and self- ish tendencies.

Marriage and virginity

158.                               “Many people who are unmarried  are not only devoted to their own family but often render great service in their group of friends, in the Church community and in their professional lives. Sometimes their presence and contribu- tions are overlooked, causing in them a sense of isolation.  Many put their talents at the service of the Christian community through charity and volunteer work. Others remain unmarried be- cause they consecrate their lives to the love of Christ and neighbour. Their dedication greatly enriches the family, the Church and  society”.165

159.                          Virginity is a form of  love.   As a sign,    it speaks to us of the coming of the Kingdom and the need for complete devotion to the cause of the Gospel (cf. 1 Cor 7:32). It is also a re- flection of the fullness of heaven, where “they neither marry not are given in marriage” (Mt 22:30). Saint Paul recommended virginity be- cause he expected Jesus’ imminent return and he wanted everyone to concentrate only on spread- ing the Gospel: “the appointed time has grown very short” (1 Cor 7:29). Nonetheless, he made  it  clear that this was  his  personal  opinion and

165    Relatio Finalis 2015, 22.

preference (cf. 1 Cor 7:6-9), not something de- manded by Christ: “I have no command in the Lord” (1 Cor 7:25). All the same, he recognized the value of the different callings: “Each has his or her own special gift from God, one of one kind and one of another” (1 Cor 7:7). Reflecting on this, Saint John Paul II noted that the biblical texts “give no reason to assert the ‘inferiority’ of marriage, nor the ‘superiority’ of virginity or celi- bacy”166 based on sexual abstinence. Rather than speak absolutely of the superiority of virginity, it should be enough to point out that the different states of life complement one another, and con- sequently that some can be more perfect in one way and others in another. Alexander of Hales, for example, stated that in one sense marriage may be considered superior to the other sacra- ments, inasmuch as it symbolizes the great reality of “Christ’s union with the Church, or the union of his divine and human natures”.167

160.                           Consequently, “it is not a matter of diminishing the value of matrimony in favour of continence”.168    “There is no basis for playing one off against the other… If, following a certain theological tradition, one speaks of a ‘state of perfection’ (status perfectionis), this has to do   not

1176.

166    Catechesis (14 April 1982), 1: Insegnamenti V/1 (1982),

167           Glossa in quatuor libros sententiarum Petri Lombardi, IV,

XXVI, 2 (Quaracchi, 1957, 446).

168  John pauL II, Catechesis (7 April 1982), 2: Insegnamenti

V/1 (1982), 1127.

with continence in itself, but with the entirety of  a  life  based  on  the  evangelical  counsels”.169 A married person can experience the highest degree of charity and thus “reach the perfec- tion which flows from charity, through fidelity to the spirit of those counsels.  Such perfec-  tion is possible and accessible to every man and woman”.170

161.                     The value of virginity lies in its symboliz- ing a love that has no need to possess the other; in this way it reflects the freedom of the Kingdom of Heaven. Virginity encourages married cou- ples to live their own conjugal love against the backdrop of Christ’s definitive love, journeying together towards the fullness of the Kingdom. For its part, conjugal love symbolizes other val- ues. On the one hand, it is a particular reflec- tion of that full unity in distinction found in the Trinity. The family is also a sign of Christ. It manifests the closeness of God who is a part of every human life, since he became one with us through his incarnation, death and resurrection. Each spouse becomes “one flesh” with the oth- er as a sign of willingness to share everything with him or her until death.  Whereas virginity  is an “eschatological” sign of the risen Christ, marriage is a “historical” sign for us living in this world, a sign of  the earthly Christ who chose to

169 Id., Catechesis (14 April 1982), 3: Insegnamenti V/1 (1982), 1177.

170  Ibid.

become one with us and gave himself up for us even to shedding his blood. Virginity and mar- riage are, and must be, different ways of loving. For “man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him”.171

162.                       Celibacy can risk becoming a comfortable single life that provides the freedom to be inde- pendent, to move from one residence, work or option to another, to spend money as one sees fit and to spend time with others as one wants. In such cases, the witness of married people be- comes especially eloquent. Those called to vir- ginity can encounter in some marriages a clear sign of  God’s  generous  and  steadfast  fideli-  ty to his covenant, and this can move them to a more concrete and generous availability to oth- ers. Many married couples remain faithful when one of them has become physically unattractive, or fails to satisfy the other’s needs, despite the voices in our society that might encourage them to be unfaithful or to leave the other. A wife can care for her sick husband and thus, in drawing near to the Cross, renew her commitment to love unto death. In such love, the dignity of the true lover shines forth, inasmuch as it is more proper to charity to love than to be loved.172      We could also point to the presence in many families    of

171 Id., Encyclical Letter Redemptor Hominis (4 March  1979), 10: AAS 71 (1979), 274.

172   Cf. Thomas aquinas, Summa Theologiae, II-II, q. 27, art. 1.

a capacity for selfless and loving service when children prove troublesome and even ungrateful. This makes those parents a sign of the free and selfless love of Jesus. Cases like these encourage celibate persons to live their commitment to the Kingdom with greater generosity and openness. Today, secularization has obscured the value of  a life-long union and the beauty of the vocation to marriage. For this reason, it is “necessary to deepen an understanding of the positive aspects of  conjugal love”.173

The TransformaTion of Love

163.                 Longer life spans now mean that close and exclusive relationships must last for four, five or even six decades; consequently, the ini- tial decision has to be frequently renewed. While one of the spouses may no longer experience an intense sexual desire for the other, he or she may still experience the pleasure of mutual belonging and the knowledge that neither of them is alone but has a “partner” with whom everything in life is shared. He or she is a companion on life’s journey, one with whom to face life’s difficulties and enjoy its pleasures. This satisfaction is part of the affection proper to conjugal love.  There is no guarantee that we will feel the same way all through life.  Yet if  a couple can come up with  a  shared and  lasting  life  project,  they can love

173 ponTificaL counciL for The famiLy, Family, Marriage and “De Facto” Unions (26 July 2000), 40.

one another and live as one until death do them part, enjoying an enriching intimacy. The love they pledge is greater than any emotion, feeling or state of mind, although it may include all of these. It is a deeper love, a lifelong decision of the heart. Even amid unresolved conflicts and confused emotional situations, they daily reaf- firm their decision to love, to belong to one an- other, to share their lives and to continue loving and forgiving. Each progresses along the path  of personal growth and development. On this journey, love rejoices at every step and in every new stage.

164.                          In the course of every marriage physical appearances change, but this hardly means that love and attraction need fade. We love the other person for who they are, not simply for their body. Although the body ages, it still expresses that personal identity that first won our heart. Even if others can no longer see the beauty of that identity, a spouse continues to see it with the eyes of love and so his or her affection does not diminish. He or she reaffirms the decision  to belong to the other and expresses that choice in faithful and loving closeness. The nobility of this decision, by its intensity and depth, gives  rise to a new kind of emotion as they fulfil their marital mission. For “emotion, caused by an- other human being as a person… does not per se

tend toward the conjugal act”.174      It finds other sensible expressions. Indeed, love “is a single reality, but with different dimensions; at differ- ent times, one or other dimension may emerge more clearly”.175      The marriage bond finds new forms of expression and constantly seeks new ways to grow in strength. These both preserve and strengthen the bond. They call for daily ef- fort. None of this, however, is possible with-  out praying to the Holy Spirit for an outpouring of his grace, his supernatural strength and his spiritual fire, to confirm, direct and transform our love in every new situation.

174   John   pauL  II,  Catechesis  (31  October  1984),   6:

Insegnamenti VII/2 (1984), 1072.

175 benedicT XVI, Encyclical Letter Deus Caritas Est (25 December 2005), 8: AAS 98 (2006), 224.