POST-SYNODAL APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION AMORIS LÆTITIA OF THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS (Chapter Six : 217 - 238)

POST-SYNODAL  APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION

AMORIS LÆTITIA

OF THE  HOLY FATHER

FRANCIS

CHAPTER SIX

some pasToraL perspecTives

accompanyinG The firsT years of married Life

217.                              It is important that marriage be seen as a matter of love, that only those who freely choose and love one another may marry. When love is merely physical attraction or a vague affection, spouses become particularly vulnerable once this affection wanes or physical attraction diminishes. Given the frequency with which this happens, it is all the more essential that couples be    helped

247    Relatio Finalis 2015, 59.

during the first years of their married life to en- rich and deepen their conscious and free decision to have, hold and love one another for life. Of- ten the engagement period is not long enough, the decision is precipitated for various reasons and, what is even more problematic, the couple themselves are insufficiently mature. As a result, the newly married couple need to complete a process that should have taken place during their engagement.

218.                               Another great challenge of marriage preparation is to help couples realize that mar- riage is not something that happens once for all. Their union is real and irrevocable, confirmed and consecrated by the sacrament of matrimony. Yet in joining their lives, the spouses assume an active and creative role in a lifelong project. Their gaze now has to be directed to the future that, with the help of God’s grace, they are daily called to build. For this very reason, neither spouse can expect the other to be perfect. Each must set aside all illusions and accept the other as he or she actu- ally is: an unfinished product, needing to grow, a work in progress. A persistently critical attitude towards one’s partner is a sign that marriage was not entered into as a project to be worked on together, with patience, understanding, tolerance and generosity. Slowly but surely, love will then give way to constant questioning and criticism, dwelling on each other’s good and bad points, issuing ultimatums and engaging in competition

and self-justification. The couple then prove in- capable of helping one another to build a mature union. This fact needs to be realistically present- ed to newly married couples from the outset,    so that they can grasp that the wedding is “just the beginning”. By saying “I do”, they embark on a journey that requires them to overcome all obstacles standing in the way of their reaching the goal.  The nuptial blessing that they receive  is a grace and an incentive for this journey. They can only benefit from sitting down and talking to one another about how, concretely, they plan to achieve their goal.

219.                                I recall an old saying: still water becomes stagnant and good for nothing. If, in the first years of marriage, a couple’s experience of love grows stagnant, it loses the very excitement that should be its propelling force. Young love needs to keep dancing towards the future with immense hope. Hope is the leaven that, in those first years of engagement and marriage, makes it possible to look beyond arguments, conflicts and prob- lems and to see things in a broader perspective. It harnesses our uncertainties and concerns so that growth can take place. Hope also bids us live fully in the present, giving our all to the life of the family, for the best way to prepare a solid future is to live well in the present.

220.                                 This process occurs in various  stages  that call for generosity and sacrifice. The first powerful feelings of  attraction give way to    the

realization that the other is now a part of my life. The pleasure of belonging to one another leads to seeing life as a common project, putting the other’s happiness ahead of my own, and realizing with joy that this marriage enriches society. As love matures, it also learns to “negotiate”. Far from anything selfish or calculating, such nego- tiation is an exercise of mutual love, an interplay of give and take, for the good of the family. At each new stage of  married life, there is a need  to sit down and renegotiate agreements, so that there will be no winners and losers, but rather two winners. In  the  home,  decisions  cannot be made unilaterally, since each spouse shares responsibility for the family; yet each home is unique and each marriage will find an arrange- ment that works best.

221.                         Among the causes of broken marriages are unduly high expectations about conjugal life. Once it becomes apparent that the reality is more limited and challenging than one imagined, the solution is not to think quickly and irresponsibly about separation, but to come to the sober real- ization that married life is a process of growth, in which each spouse is God’s means of helping the other to mature. Change, improvement, the flowering of the good qualities present in each person – all these are possible. Each marriage is a kind of “salvation history”, which from frag- ile beginnings – thanks to God’s gift and a crea- tive and generous response on our part –  grows

over time into something precious and enduring. Might we say that the greatest mission of two people in love is to help one another become, re- spectively, more a man and more a woman? Fos- tering growth means helping a person to shape his or her own identity. Love is thus a kind of craftsmanship. When we read in the Bible about the creation of man and woman, we see God first forming Adam (cf. Gen 2:7); he realizes that something essential is lacking and so he forms Eve and then hears the man exclaim in amaze- ment, “Yes, this one is just right for me!” We can almost hear the amazing dialogue that must have taken place when the man and the woman first encountered one another. In the life of married couples, even at difficult moments, one person can always surprise the other, and new doors can open for their relationship, as if they were meet- ing for the first time. At every new stage, they can keep “forming” one another. Love makes each wait for the other with the patience of a craftsman, a patience which comes from God.

222.                          The pastoral care of newly married cou- ples must also involve encouraging them to be generous in bestowing life. “In accord with the personal and fully human character of conjugal love, family planning fittingly takes place as the result a consensual dialogue between the spous- es, respect for times and consideration of the dignity of the partner. In this sense, the teaching of  the Encyclical Humanae Vitae (cf. 1014)   and

the Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio (cf. 14; 2835) ought to be taken up anew, in order to counter a mentality that is often hostile to life... Decisions involving responsible parenthood pre- supposes the formation of conscience, which is ‘the most secret core and sanctuary of a person. There each one is alone with God, whose voice echoes in the depths of the heart’ (Gaudium et Spes, 16). The more the couple tries to listen in conscience to God and his commandments (cf. Rom 2:15), and is accompanied spiritually, the more their decision will be profoundly free of subjective caprice and accommodation to pre- vailing social mores”.248 The clear teaching of  the Second Vatican Council still holds: “[The couple] will make decisions by common coun- sel and effort. Let them thoughtfully take into account both their own welfare and that of their children, those already born and those which the future may bring. For this accounting they need to reckon with both the material and the spiritual conditions of the times as well as of their state in life. Finally, they should consult the interests of the family group, of temporal society and of the Church herself. The parents themselves and no one else should ultimately make this judgment  in the sight of God”.249 Moreover, “the use of methods based on the ‘laws of  nature and    the

248    Ibid., 63.

249 second vaTican ecumenicaL counciL, Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et Spes, 50.

incidence of fertility’ (Humanae Vitae, 11) are to be promoted, since ‘these methods respect the bodies of the spouses, encourage tenderness be- tween them and favour the education of an au- thentic freedom’ (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2370). Greater emphasis needs to be placed on the fact that children are a wonderful gift from God and a joy for parents and the Church. Through them, the Lord renews the world”.250

Some resources

223.                          The Synod Fathers observed that “the initial years of marriage are a vital and sensitive period during which couples become more aware of the challenges and meaning of married life. Consequently, pastoral accompaniment needs to go beyond the actual celebration of the sacra- ment (Familiaris Consortio, Part III). In this re- gard, experienced couples have an important role to play. The parish is a place where such expe- rienced couples can help younger couples, with the eventual cooperation of associations, eccle- sial movements and new communities. Young couples need to be encouraged to be essentially open to the great gift of children. Emphasis should also be given to the importance of family spirituality, prayer and participation in the Sun- day Eucharist, and couples encouraged to meet regularly to promote growth in their spiritual life

250    Relatio Finalis 2015, 63.

and solidarity in the concrete demands of life. Liturgies, devotional practices and the Eucharist celebrated for families, especially on the wedding anniversary, were mentioned as vital factors in fostering evangelization through the family”.251

224.                                 This process takes time. Love needs time and space; everything else is secondary. Time is needed to talk things over, to embrace leisurely, to share plans, to listen to one other and gaze in each other’s eyes, to appreciate one another and to build a stronger relationship. Sometimes the frenetic pace of our society and the pressures of the workplace create problems. At other times, the problem is the lack of quality time together, sharing the same room without one even notic- ing the other. Pastoral workers and groups of married people should think of ways to help young or vulnerable couples to make the most  of those moments, to be present to one another, even by sharing moments of meaningful silence.

225.                                   Couples who have learned how to do this well can share some practical suggestions which they have found useful: planning free time to- gether, moments of recreation with the children, different ways of celebrating important events, shared opportunities for spiritual growth. They can also provide resources that help young mar- ried couples to make those moments meaningful

251    Relatio Synodi 2014, 40.

and loving, and thus to improve their commu- nication. This is extremely important for the stage when the novelty of marriage has worn off. Once a couple no longer knows how to spend time together, one or both of them will end up taking refuge in gadgets, finding other commit- ments, seeking the embrace of another, or sim- ply looking for ways to flee what has become an uncomfortable closeness.

226.                      Young married couples should be encour- aged to develop a routine that gives a healthy sense of closeness and stability through shared daily rituals. These could include a  morning kiss, an evening blessing, waiting at the door to welcome each other home, taking trips together and sharing household chores. Yet it also helps to break the routine with a party, and to enjoy family celebrations of anniversaries and special events. We need these moments of cherishing God’s gifts and renewing our zest for life. As long as we can celebrate, we are able to rekindle our love, to free it from monotony and to colour our daily routine with hope.

227.                       We pastors have to encourage families to grow in faith. This means encouraging frequent confession, spiritual direction and occasional re- treats. It also means encouraging family prayer during the week, since “the family that prays to- gether stays together”. When visiting our peo- ple’s homes, we should gather all the members of  the family and briefly pray for one   another,

placing the family in the Lord’s hands. It is also helpful to encourage each of the spouses to find time for prayer alone with God, since each has his or her secret crosses to bear. Why shouldn’t we tell God our troubles and ask him to grant  us the healing and help we need to remain faith- ful? The Synod Fathers noted that “the word of God is the source of life and spirituality for the family. All pastoral work on behalf of the fam- ily must allow people to be interiorly fashioned and formed as members of the domestic church through the Church’s prayerful reading of sacred Scripture. The word of God is not only good news in a person’s private life but also a criterion of judgement and a light in discerning the vari- ous challenges that married couples and families encounter”.252

228.                        In some cases, one of the spouses is not baptized or does not want to practice the faith. This can make the other’s desire to live and grow in the Christian life difficult and at times pain- ful. Still, some common values can be found and these can be shared and relished. In any event, showing love for a spouse who is not a believer, bestowing happiness, soothing hurts and sharing life together represents a true path of sanctifi- cation. Love is always a gift of  God.  Wherever it is poured out, it makes its transforming pres- ence felt, often in mysterious ways, even to   the

252    Ibid., 34.

point that “the unbelieving husband is consecrated through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is con- secrated through her husband” (1 Cor 7:14).

229.                             Parishes, movements, schools and other Church institutions can help in a variety of ways to support families and help them grow. These might include: meetings of couples living in the same neighbourhood, brief retreats for couples; talks by experts on concrete issues facing families, marriage counselling, home missionaries who help couples discuss their difficulties and desires, social services dealing with family problems like addiction, infidelity and domestic violence, pro- grammes of spiritual growth, workshops for parents with troubled children and family meet- ings. The parish office should be prepared to deal helpfully and sensitively with family needs and be able to make referrals, when necessary,  to those who can help. There is also the contri- bution made by groups of married couples that provide assistance as part of their commitment to service, prayer, formation and mutual support. Such groups enable couples to be generous, to assist other families and to share the faith; at the same time they strengthen marriages and help them to grow.

230.                      It is true that many couples, once married, drop out of the Christian community. Often, however, we ourselves do not take advantage of those occasions when they do return, to remind them of the beautiful ideal of Christian marriage

and the support that our parishes can offer them. I think, for example, of the Baptism and First Holy Communion of their children, or the fu- nerals or weddings of their relatives or friends. Almost all married couples reappear on these occasions, and we should take greater advantage of this. Another way of growing closer is by blessing homes or by bringing a pilgrim image  of Our Lady to houses in the neighbourhood; this provides an opportunity for a pastoral con- versation about the family’s situation. It could also be helpful to ask older married couples to help younger couples in the neighbourhood by visiting them and offering guidance in the early years of marriage. Given the pace of life today, most couples cannot attend frequent meetings; still, we cannot restrict our pastoral outreach to small and select groups. Nowadays, pastoral care for families has to be fundamentally missionary, going out to where people are. We can no longer be like a factory, churning out courses that for the most part are poorly attended.

casTinG LiGhT on crises, Worries and difficuLTies

231.                         A word should also be said about those whose love, like a fine wine, has come into its own. Just as a good wine begins to “breathe” with time, so too the daily experience of fidelity gives married life richness and “body”. Fidelity has to do with patience and expectation. Its joys and sacrifices bear fruit as the years go by and the couple rejoices to see their children’s     children.

The love present from the beginning becomes more conscious, settled and mature as the couple discover each other anew day after day, year after year. Saint John of the Cross tells us that “old lovers are tried and true”. They “are outwardly no longer afire with powerful emotions and im- pulses, but now taste the sweetness of the wine of love, well-aged and stored deep within their hearts”.253 Such couples have successfully over- come crises and hardships without fleeing from challenges or concealing problems.

The challenge of  crises

232.                       The life of every  family  is  marked  by all kinds of crises, yet these are also part of its dramatic beauty. Couples should be helped to realize that surmounting a crisis need not weaken their relationship; instead, it can improve, settle and mature the wine of their union. Life together should not diminish but increase their content- ment; every new step along the way can help couples find new ways to happiness. Each cri- sis becomes an apprenticeship in growing closer together or learning a little more about what it means to be married. There is no need for cou- ples to resign themselves to an inevitable down- ward spiral or a tolerable mediocrity. On the contrary, when marriage is seen as a challenge that involves overcoming obstacles, each   crisis

253    Cántico Espiritual B, XXV, 11.

becomes an opportunity to let the wine of their relationship age and improve. Couples will gain from receiving help in facing crises, meeting chal- lenges and acknowledging them as part of fam- ily life. Experienced and trained couples should be open to offering guidance, so the couples will not be unnerved by these crises or tempted to hasty decisions. Each crisis has a lesson to teach us; we need to learn how to listen for it with the ear of  the heart.

233.                      Faced with a crisis, we tend first to react defensively, since we feel that we are losing con- trol, or are somehow at fault, and this makes us uneasy. We resort to denying the problem, hid- ing or downplaying it, and hoping that it will go away. But this does not help; it only makes things worse, wastes energy and delays a solution. Cou- ples grow apart and lose their ability to com- municate. When problems are not dealt with, communication is the first thing to go.  Little   by little, the “the person I love” slowly becomes “my mate”, then just “the father or mother of my children”, and finally a stranger.

234.                    Crises need to be faced together. This is hard, since persons sometimes withdraw in order to avoid saying what they feel; they retreat into  a craven silence. At these times, it becomes all the more important to create opportunities for speaking heart to heart. Unless a couple learns  to do this, they will find it harder and harder as time passes.   Communication is an art    learned

in moments of peace in order to be practised in moments of difficulty. Spouses need help in dis- covering their deepest thoughts and feelings and expressing them. Like childbirth, this is a painful process that brings forth a new treasure. The answers given to the pre-synodal consultation showed that most people in difficult or critical situations do not seek pastoral assistance, since they do not find it sympathetic, realistic or con- cerned for individual cases. This should spur us to try to approach marriage crises with greater sensitivity to their burden of hurt and anxiety.

235.              Some crises are typical of almost every marriage. Newly married couples need to learn how to accept their differences and to disengage from their parents. The arrival of a child pre- sents new emotional challenges. Raising small children necessitates a change of lifestyle, while the onset of adolescence causes strain, frus- tration and even tension between parents. An “empty nest” obliges a couple to redefine their relationship, while the need to care for aging par- ents involves making difficult decisions in their regard. All these are demanding situations that can cause apprehension, feelings of guilt, depres- sion and fatigue, with serious repercussions on a marriage.

236.                         Then there are those personal crises that affect the life of couples, often involving financ- es, problems in the workplace, emotional, social and spiritual difficulties.   Unexpected situations

present themselves, disrupting family life and re- quiring a process of forgiveness and reconcilia- tion. In resolving sincerely to forgive the other, each has to ask quietly and humbly if he or she has not somehow created the conditions that led to the other’s mistakes. Some families break up when spouses engage in mutual recrimination, but “experience shows that with proper assis- tance and acts of reconciliation, through grace,  a great percentage of troubled marriages find a solution in a satisfying manner. To know how  to forgive and to feel forgiven is a basic experi- ence in family life”.254 “The arduous art of rec- onciliation, which requires the support of grace, needs the generous cooperation of relatives and friends, and sometimes even outside help and professional assistance”.255

237.                            It is becoming more and more common to think that, when one or both partners no longer feel fulfilled, or things have not turned out the way they wanted, sufficient reason exists to end the marriage. Were this the case, no marriage would last. At times, all it takes to decide that everything is over is a single instance of dissat- isfaction, the absence of the other when he or she was most needed, wounded pride, or a vague fear. Inevitably, situations will arise involving hu- man weakness and these can prove emotionally overwhelming.   One spouse may not feel   fully

254    Relatio Synodi 2014, 44.

255    Relatio Finalis 2015, 81.

appreciated, or may be attracted to another person. Jealousy and tensions may emerge, or new inter- ests that consume the other’s time and attention. Physical changes naturally occur in everyone. These, and so many other things, rather than threatening love, are so many occasions for re- viving and renewing it.

238.                         In such situations, some have the maturity needed to reaffirm their choice of the other as their partner on life’s journey, despite the limitations of the relationship. They realistically accept that the other cannot fulfil all their cherished dreams. Persons like this avoid thinking of themselves as martyrs; they make the most of whatever possi- bilities family life gives them and they work pa- tiently at strengthening the marriage bond. They realize, after all, that every crisis can be a new “yes”, enabling love to be renewed, deepened and inwardly strengthened. When crises come, they are unafraid to get to the root of it, to re- negotiate basic terms, to achieve a new equilib- rium and to move forward together. With this kind of constant openness they are able to face any number of difficult situations. In any event, while realizing that reconciliation is a possibility, we also see that “what is urgently needed today is a ministry to care for those whose marital rela- tionship has broken down”.256

256    Ibid., 78.