POST-SYNODAL APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION AMORIS LÆTITIA OF THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS (Chapter Six : 239 - 258)

POST-SYNODAL  APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION

AMORIS LÆTITIA

OF THE  HOLY FATHER

FRANCIS

CHAPTER SIX

some pasToraL perspecTives

Old wounds

239.                         Understandably, families often experience problems when one of their members is emo- tionally immature because he or she still bears the scars of earlier experiences. An unhappy child- hood or adolescence can breed personal crises that affect one’s marriage. Were everyone mature and normal, crises would be less frequent or less painful. Yet the fact is that only in their forties do some people achieve a maturity that should have come at the end of adolescence. Some love with the selfish, capricious and self-centred love of a child: an insatiable love that screams or cries when it fails to get what it wants. Others love with an adolescent love marked by hostility, bitter criticism and the need to blame others; caught up in their own emotions and fantasies, such per- sons expect others to fill their emptiness and to satisfy their every desire.

240.                                   Many people leave childhood without ever having felt unconditional love. This affects their ability to be trusting and open with others. A poor relationship with one’s parents and sib- lings, if  left unhealed, can re-emerge and hurt   a marriage. Unresolved issues need to be dealt with and a process of liberation must take place. When problems emerge in a marriage, before important decisions are made it is important to ensure that each spouse has come to grips with his or her own history. This involves recognizing a need for healing, insistent prayer for the  grace

to forgive and be forgiven, a willingness to accept help, and the determination not to give up but  to keep trying. A sincere self-examination will make it possible to see how one’s own shortcom- ings and immaturity affect the relationship. Even if it seems clear that the other person is at fault, a crisis will never be overcome simply by expecting him or her to change. We also have to ask what in our own life needs to grow or heal if the con- flict is to be resolved.

Accompaniment after breakdown and  divorce

241.                                  In some cases, respect for one’s own dig- nity and the good of the children requires not giving in to excessive demands or preventing a grave injustice, violence or chronic ill-treatment. In such cases, “separation becomes inevitable. At times it even becomes morally necessary, pre- cisely when it is a matter of removing the more vulnerable spouse or young children from seri- ous injury due to abuse and violence, from hu- miliation and exploitation, and from disregard and indifference”.257      Even so, “separation must be considered as a last resort, after all other rea- sonable attempts at reconciliation have proved vain”.258

257 Catechesis (24 June 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, 25 June 2015, p. 8.

258 John pauL II, Apostolic Exhortation  Familiaris Consortio (22 November 1981), 83: AAS 74 (1982), 184.

242.                    The Synod Fathers noted that “special discernment is indispensable for the pastoral care of those who are separated, divorced or abandoned. Respect needs to be shown especially for the sufferings of those who have unjustly endured separation, divorce  or  abandonment, or those who have been forced by maltreatment from a husband or a wife to interrupt their life together. To forgive such an injustice that has been suffered is not easy, but grace makes this journey possible. Pastoral care must necessarily include efforts at reconciliation and mediation, through the establishment of specialized coun- selling centres in dioceses”.259     At the same time, “divorced people who have not remarried, and often bear witness to marital fidelity, ought to be encouraged to find in the Eucharist the nourish- ment they need to sustain them in their present state of life. The local community and pastors should accompany these people with solicitude, particularly when children are involved or when they are in serious financial difficulty”.260      Fami- ly breakdown becomes even more traumatic and painful in the case of the poor, since they have far fewer resources at hand for starting a new life. A poor person, once removed from a se- cure family environment, is doubly vulnerable to abandonment and possible harm.

259    Relatio Synodi 2014, 47.

260    Ibid., 50.

243.                                  It is important that the divorced who have entered a new union should be made to feel part of the Church. “They are not excommunicated” and they should not be treated as such, since they remain part of  the ecclesial community.261     These situations “require careful discernment and re- spectful accompaniment. Language or conduct that might lead them to feel discriminated against should be avoided, and they should be encour- aged to participate in the life of the community. The Christian community’s care of such persons is not to be considered a weakening of its faith and testimony to the indissolubility of marriage; rather, such care is a particular expression of its charity”.262

244.                               A large number of Synod Fathers also “emphasized the need to make the procedure   in cases of nullity more accessible and less time consuming,  and,  if  possible,  free  of  charge”.263 The slowness of the process causes distress and strain on the parties. My two recent documents dealing with this issue264   have simplified the pro- cedures for the declarations of matrimonial nul- lity.  With these, I wished “to make clear that the

261 Catechesis (5 August 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, 6 August 2015, p. 7.

262    Relatio Synodi 2014, 51; cf. Relatio Finalis 2015, 84.

263    Ibid., 48.

264 Motu Proprio Mitis Iudex Dominus Iesus (15 August 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, 9 September 2015, pp. 3-4; cf. Motu Proprio Mitis et Misericors Iesus (15 August 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, 9 September 2015, pp. 5-6.

bishop himself, in the Church over which he has been appointed shepherd and head, is by that very fact the judge of those faithful entrusted to  his  care”.265        “The  implementation  of  these documents is therefore a great responsibility for Ordinaries in dioceses, who are called upon to judge some cases themselves and, in every case, to ensure the faithful an easier access to justice. This involves preparing a sufficient staff, com- posed of clerics and lay persons who are primar- ily deputed to this ecclesial service. Information, counselling and mediation services associated with the family apostolate should also be made available to individuals who are separated or cou- ples in crisis. These services could also include meeting with individuals in view of the prelimi- nary inquiry of a matrimonial process (cf. Mitis Iudex, art. 2-3)”.266

245.                         The Synod Fathers also pointed to “the consequences of separation or divorce on chil- dren, in every case the innocent victims of the situation”.267      Apart from every other considera- tion, the good of children should be the primary concern, and not overshadowed by any ulterior interest or objective. I make this appeal to par- ents who are separated: “Never ever, take   your

265 Motu Proprio Mitis Iudex Dominus Iesus (15 August 2015), Preamble, III: L’Osservatore Romano, 9 September   2015,

p.    3.

266    Relatio Finalis 2015, 82.

267    Relatio Synodi 2014, 47.

child hostage! You separated for many problems and reasons. Life gave you this trial, but your children should not have to bear the burden of this separation or be used as hostages against the other spouse. They should grow up hearing their mother speak well of their father, even though they are not together, and their father speak well of  their mother”.268     It is irresponsible to dispar- age the other parent as a means of winning a child’s affection, or out of revenge or self-justi- fication. Doing so will affect the child’s interior tranquillity and cause wounds hard to heal.

246.                              The Church, while appreciating the situa- tions of conflict that are part of marriage, can- not fail to speak out on behalf of those who are most vulnerable: the children who often suffer in silence. Today, “despite our seemingly evolved sensibilities and all our refined psychological analyses, I ask myself if we are not becoming numb to the hurt in children’s souls... Do we feel the immense psychological burden borne by chil- dren in families where the members mistreat and hurt one another, to the point of breaking the bonds of marital fidelity?”269    Such harmful expe- riences do not help children to grow in the ma- turity needed to make definitive commitments. For this reason, Christian communities must not

268 Catechesis (20 May 2015): L‘Osservatore  Romano,  21 May 2015, p. 8.

269 Catechesis (24 June 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, 25 June 2015, p. 8.

abandon divorced parents who have entered a new union, but should include and support them in their efforts to bring up their children. “How can we encourage those parents to do everything possible to raise their children in the Christian life, to give them an example of committed and practical faith, if we keep them at arm’s length from the life of the community, as if they were somehow excommunicated? We must keep from acting in a way that adds even more to the bur- dens that children in these situations already have to bear!”270     Helping heal the wounds of  parents and supporting them spiritually is also beneficial for children, who need the familiar face of the Church to see them through this traumatic ex- perience. Divorce is an evil and the increasing number of divorces is very troubling. Hence,  our most important pastoral  task with regard   to families is to strengthen their love, helping to heal wounds and working to prevent the spread of this drama of our times.

Certain complex situations

247.                           “Issues involving mixed marriages re- quire particular attention. Marriages between Catholics and other baptized persons  ‘have  their own particular nature, but they contain nu- merous elements that could well be made good use of  and developed, both for their     intrinsic

270 Catechesis (5 August 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, 6 August 2015, p. 7.

value and for the contribution that they can make to the ecumenical movement’. For this purpose, ‘an effort should be made  to  estab- lish cordial cooperation between the Catholic and the non-Catholic ministers from the time that preparations begin for the marriage and  the wedding ceremony’ (Familiaris Consortio, 78). With regard to sharing in the Eucharist, ‘the decision as to whether the non-Catholic party  of the marriage may be admitted to Eucharistic communion is to be made in keeping with the general norms existing in the matter, both for Eastern Christians and for other Christians, tak- ing into account the particular situation of the reception of the sacrament of matrimony  by two baptized Christians.  Although the spous-  es in a mixed marriage share the sacraments of baptism and matrimony, eucharistic sharing can only be exceptional and in each case accord-   ing to the stated norms’ (Pontifical Council for Promoting Christian Unity, Directory for the Ap- plication of Principles and Norms on Ecumenism, 25 March 1993, 159-160)”.271

248.                           “Marriages involving disparity of cult represent a privileged place for interreligious di- alogue in everyday life… They involve special difficulties regarding both the Christian  iden- tity of  the family and the religious upbringing  of  the children…   The number of  households

271    Relatio Finalis 2015, 72.

with married couples  with  disparity  of  cult,  on the rise in mission territories, and even in countries of long Christian tradition, urgently requires providing a differentiated pastoral care according to various social and cultural con- texts. In some countries where freedom of religion does not exist, the Christian spouse is obliged to convert to another religion in order to marry, and, therefore, cannot celebrate a ca- nonical marriage involving disparity of cult or baptize the children. We must therefore reit- erate the necessity that the religious freedom of  all be respected”.272      “Attention needs to be given to the persons who enter such marriag-  es, not only in the period before the wedding. Unique challenges face couples and families in which one partner is Catholic and the other is   a non-believer.  In such cases, bearing witness  to the ability of the Gospel to immerse itself in these situations will make possible the upbring- ing of  their children in the Christian faith”.273

249.                         “Particular problems arise when persons in a complex marital situation wish to be bap- tized. These persons contracted a stable marriage at a time when at least one of them did not know the Christian faith. In such cases, bishops are called to exercise a pastoral discernment which is commensurate with their spiritual good”.274

272    Ibid., 73.

273    Ibid., 74.

274    Ibid., 75.

250.                     The Church makes her own the  atti-  tude of the Lord Jesus, who offers his bound- less  love  to  each  person  without  exception.275 During the Synod, we discussed the situation   of families whose members include persons  who experience same-sex attraction, a situation not easy either for parents or for children. We would like before all else to reaffirm that every person, regardless of sexual orientation, ought to be respected in his or her dignity and treated with consideration, while ‘every sign of unjust discrimination’ is to be carefully avoided,276   par- ticularly any form of aggression and violence. Such families should be given respectful pasto- ral guidance, so that those who manifest a ho- mosexual orientation can receive the assistance they need to understand and fully carry out God’s will in their lives.277

251.                              In discussing the dignity and mission of the family, the Synod Fathers observed that, “as for proposals to place unions between homo- sexual persons on the same level as marriage, there are absolutely no grounds for considering homosexual unions to be in any way similar or even remotely analogous to God’s plan for mar- riage and family”. It is unacceptable “that local Churches  should  be  subjected  to  pressure  in

275     Cf. Bull Misericordiae Vultus, 12: AAS 107 (2015), 407.

276 Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2358; cf. Relatio Finalis 2015, 76.

277  Ibid.

this matter and that international bodies should make financial aid to poor countries dependent on the introduction of laws to establish ‘mar- riage’ between persons of  the same sex”.278

252.                          Single-parent families often result from “the unwillingness of biological mothers or fa- thers to be part of a family; situations of vio- lence, where one parent is forced to flee with the children; the death of one of the parents; the abandonment of the family by one parent, and other situations. Whatever the cause, single par- ents must receive encouragement and support from other families in the Christian community, and from the parish’s pastoral outreach. Often these families endure other hardships, such as economic difficulties, uncertain employment prospects, problems with child support and lack of  housing”.279

When deaTh makes us feeL iTs sTinG

253.                         At times family life is challenged by the death of a loved one. We  cannot fail to offer  the light of faith as a support to families going through this experience.280     To turn our backs on a grieving family would show a lack of     mercy,

278  Relatio Finalis 2015, 76; cf. conGreGaTion for The

docTrine of The faiTh, Considerations Regarding Proposals to Give Legal Recognition to Unions between Homosexual Persons (3 June 2003), 4.

279    Ibid., 80.

280    Cf. ibid., 20.

mean the loss of a pastoral opportunity, and close the door to other efforts at evangelization.

254.                            I can understand the anguish felt by those who have lost a much-loved person, a spouse with whom they have shared so much. Jesus himself was deeply moved and began to weep  at the death of a friend (cf. Jn 11:33, 35). And how can we even begin to understand the grief of parents who have lost a child?  “It is as if  time stops altogether: a chasm opens to engulf both past and future”, and “at times we even go so far as to lay the blame on God. How many people – I can understand them – get angry with God”.281     “Losing one’s spouse is particularly dif- ficult… From the moment of enduring a loss, some display an ability to concentrate their en- ergies in a greater dedication to their children and grandchildren, finding in this experience of love a renewed sense of mission in raising their children…. Those who do not have relatives to spend time with and to receive affection from, should be aided by the Christian community with particular attention and availability, especially if they are poor”.282

255.                             Ordinarily, the grieving process takes  a fair amount of time, and when a pastor must accompany that process, he has to adapt to   the

281 Catechesis (17 June 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, 18 June 2015, p. 8.

282      Relatio Finalis 2015, 19.

demands of each of its stages. The entire pro- cess is filled with questions: about the reasons why the loved one had to die, about all the things that might have been done, about what a person experiences at the moment of death. With a sin- cere and patient process of prayer and interior liberation, peace returns. At particular times, we have to help the grieving person to realize that, after the loss of a loved one, we still have a mis- sion to carry out, and that it  does  us no  good to prolong the suffering, as if it were a form of tribute. Our loved ones have no need of our suffering, nor does it flatter them that we should ruin our lives. Nor is it the best expression of love to dwell on them and keep bringing up their name, because this is to be dependent on the past instead of continuing to love them now that they are elsewhere. They can no longer be physically present to us, yet for all death’s power, “love is strong as death” (Song 8:6). Love involves an in- tuition that can enable us to hear without sounds and to see the unseen. This does not mean imag- ining our loved ones as they were, but being able to accept them changed as they now are. The risen Jesus, when his friend Mary tried to em- brace him, told her not to hold on to him (cf. Jn 20:17), in order to lead her to a different kind of encounter.

256.                     It consoles us to know that those who  die do not completely pass away, and faith as- sures us that the risen Lord will never   abandon

us. Thus we can “prevent death from poisoning life, from rendering vain our love, from pushing us into the darkest chasm”.283     The Bible tells us that God created us out of love and made us in such a way that our life does not end with death (cf. Wis 3:2-3). Saint Paul speaks to us of an encounter with Christ immediately after death: “My desire is to depart and be with Christ” (Phil 1:23). With Christ, after death, there awaits us “what God has prepared for those who love him” (1  Cor 2:9).  The Preface of  the Liturgy  of the Dead puts it nicely: “Although the cer- tainty of death saddens us, we are consoled by the promise of future immortality.  For the life of those who believe in you, Lord, is not end-  ed but changed”. Indeed, “our loved ones are not lost in the shades of nothingness; hope as- sures us that they are in the good strong hands of  God”.284

257.                      One way of maintaining fellowship with our  loved  ones  is  to  pray  for  them.285    The  Bi- ble tells us that “to pray for the dead” is “holy and pious” (2 Macc 12:44-45). “Our prayer for them is capable not only of helping them, but also of making their intercession for us effec- tive”.286       The  Book  of  Revelation  portrays  the

283 Catechesis (17 June 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, 18 June 2015, p. 8.

284    Ibid.

285     Cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 958.

286    Ibid.

martyrs interceding for those who suffer injus- tice on earth (cf. Rev 6:9-11), in solidarity with this world and its history. Some saints, before dying, consoled their loved ones by promising them that they would be near to help  them. Saint Therese of Lisieux wished to continue do- ing good from heaven.287      Saint Dominic stated that “he would be more helpful after death… more  powerful  in  obtaining  graces”.288        These are truly “bonds of  love”,289  because “the union of the wayfarers with the brethren who sleep in the Lord is in no way interrupted… [but] rein- forced by an exchange of  spiritual goods”.290

258.                       If we accept death, we can prepare our- selves for it. The way is to grow in our love for those who walk at our side, until that day when “death will be no more, mourning and crying and pain will be no more” (Rev 21:4). We will thus prepare ourselves to meet once more our loved ones who have died. Just as Jesus “gave back to his mother” (cf. Lk 7:15) her son who had died, so it will be with us.  Let us not  waste

287 Cf. Therese of Lisieux, Derniers Entretiens: Le “carnet jaune” de Mère Agnès, 17 July 1897, in Oeuvres Complètes, Paris, 1996, 1050. Her Carmelite sisters spoke of a promise made by Saint Therese that her departure from this world would be “like a shower of roses” (ibid., 9 June 1897, 1013).

288 Jordan of saxony, Libellus de principiis Ordinis Praedicatorum, 93: Monumenta Historica Sancti Patris Nostri Dominici, XVI, Rome, 1935, p. 69.

289     Cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 957.

290 Second vaTican ecumenicaL counciL, Dogmatic Constitution on the Church Lumen Gentium, 49.

energy by dwelling on the distant past. The bet- ter we live on this earth, the greater the happi- ness we will be able to share with our loved ones in heaven. The more we are able to mature and develop in this world, the more gifts will we be able to bring to the heavenly  banquet.