POST-SYNODAL APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION AMORIS LÆTITIA OF THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS (Chapter Seven : 259 - 279)

POST-SYNODAL  APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION

AMORIS LÆTITIA

OF THE  HOLY FATHER

FRANCIS

CHAPTER SEVEN

ToWards a beTTer educaTion of chiLdren

259.                            Parents always influence the moral devel- opment of their children, for better or for worse. It follows that they should take up this essential role and carry it out consciously, enthusiastically, reasonably and appropriately. Since the educa- tional role of families is so important, and in- creasingly complex, I would like to discuss it in detail.

Where are our chiLdren?

260.                             Families cannot help but be places of sup- port, guidance and direction, however much they may have to rethink their methods and discover new resources. Parents need to consider what they want their children to be exposed to, and this necessarily means being concerned about who is providing their entertainment, who is en- tering their rooms through television and elec- tronic devices, and with whom they are spending their free time. Only if we devote time to our children, speaking of important things with sim- plicity and concern, and finding healthy ways for them to spend their time, will we be able to shield them from harm.   Vigilance is always necessary

and neglect is never beneficial. Parents have to help prepare children and adolescents to con- front the risk, for example, of aggression, abuse or drug addiction.

261.                              Obsession, however, is not education. We cannot control every situation that a child may experience. Here it remains true that “time is greater than space”.291     In other words, it is more important to start processes than to dominate spaces. If parents are obsessed with always knowing where their children are and controlling all their movements, they will seek only to dominate space. But this is no way to educate, strengthen and prepare their children to face challenges. What is most important is the ability lovingly to help them grow in freedom, matu- rity, overall discipline and real autonomy. Only in this way will children come to possess the wherewithal needed to fend for themselves and to act intelligently and prudently whenever they meet with difficulties. The real question, then, is not where our children are physically, or whom they are with at any given time, but rather where they are existentially, where they stand in terms of their convictions, goals, desires and dreams. The questions I would put to parents are these: “Do we seek to understand ‘where’ our children really are in their journey?    Where is their soul,

291   Apostolic      Exhortation     Evangelii     Gaudium      (24 November 2013), 222: AAS 105 (2013), 1111.

do we really know? And above all, do we want to know?”.292

262.                               Were maturity merely the development of something already present in our genetic code, not much would have to be done. But prudence, good judgement and common sense are depend- ent not on purely quantitative growth factors, but rather on a whole series of things that come to- gether deep within each person, or better, at the very core of our freedom. Inevitably, each child will surprise us with ideas and projects born of that freedom, which challenge us to rethink our own ideas. This is a good thing. Education in- cludes encouraging the responsible use of free- dom to face issues with good sense and intelli- gence. It involves forming persons who readily understand that their own lives, and the life of the community, are in their hands, and that free- dom is itself  a great gift.

The eThicaL formaTion of chiLdren

263.                               Parents rely on schools to ensure the basic instruction of their children, but can  never completely delegate the moral formation of their children to others. A person’s affective and ethical development is ultimately grounded in a particular experience, namely, that his or her parents can be trusted.  This means that parents,

292 Catechesis (20 May 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, 21  May 2015, p. 8.

as educators, are responsible, by their affection and example, for instilling in their children trust and loving respect. When children no longer  feel that, for all their faults, they are important to their parents, or that their parents are sincerely concerned about them, this causes deep  hurt and many difficulties along their path to matu- rity. This physical or emotional absence creates greater hurt than any scolding which a child may receive for doing something wrong.

264.                                    Parents are also responsible for shaping the will of  their children, fostering good hab-  its and a natural inclination to goodness. This entails presenting certain ways of thinking and acting as desirable and worthwhile, as part of a gradual process of growth. The desire to fit into society, or the habit of foregoing an immediate pleasure for the sake of a better and more or- derly life in common, is itself a value that can then inspire openness to greater values. Moral formation should always take place with active methods and a dialogue that teaches through sensitivity and by using a language children can understand. It should also take place inductively, so that children can learn for themselves the im- portance of certain values, principles and norms, rather than by imposing these as absolute and unquestionable truths.

265.                               Doing what is right means more than “judging what seems best” or knowing clearly what needs to be    done, as important as this is.

Often we prove inconsistent in our own con- victions, however firm they may be; even when our conscience dictates a clear moral decision, other factors sometimes prove more attractive and powerful. We have to arrive at the point where the good that the intellect grasps can take root in us as a profound affective inclination, as a thirst for the good that outweighs other attrac- tions and helps us to realize that what we consid- er objectively good is also good “for us” here and now. A good ethical education includes show- ing a person that it is in his own interest to do what is right. Today, it is less and less effective  to demand something that calls for effort and sacrifice, without clearly pointing to the benefits which it can bring.

266.                                 Good habits need to be developed. Even childhood habits can help to translate important interiorized values into sound and steady ways of acting. A person may be sociable and open to others, but if over a long period of time he has not been trained by his elders to say “Please”, “Thank you”, and “Sorry”, his good interior dis- position will not easily come to the fore. The strengthening of the will and the repetition of specific actions are the building blocks of moral conduct; without the conscious, free and valued repetition of certain patterns of good behav- iour, moral education does not take place. Mere desire, or an attraction to a certain value, is   not

enough to instil a virtue in the absence of those properly motivated acts.

267.                                 Freedom is  something  magnificent,  yet it can also be dissipated and lost. Moral educa- tion has to do with cultivating freedom through ideas, incentives, practical  applications,  stimu- li, rewards, examples, models, symbols, reflec- tions, encouragement, dialogue and a constant rethinking of our way of doing things; all these can help develop those stable interior principles that lead us spontaneously to do good.  Virtue  is a conviction that has become a steadfast inner principle of operation. The virtuous life thus builds, strengthens and shapes freedom, lest we become slaves of dehumanizing and antisocial inclinations. For human dignity itself demands that each of us “act out of conscious and free choice, as moved and drawn in a personal way from within”.293

The vaLue of correcTion as an incenTive

268.                            It is also essential to help children and adolescents to realize that misbehaviour has consequences. They need to be encouraged to put themselves in other people’s shoes and to acknowledge the hurt they have caused. Some punishments –   those for aggressive,  antisocial

293 second vaTican ecumenicaL counciL, Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et Spes, 17.

conduct - can partially serve this purpose. It is important to train children firmly to ask forgive- ness and to repair the harm done to others. As the educational process bears fruit in the growth of personal freedom, children come to appreci- ate that it was good to grow up in a family and even to put up with the demands that every pro- cess of  formation makes.

269.                        Correction is also an incentive whenever children’s efforts are appreciated and acknowl- edged, and they sense their parents’ constant, pa- tient trust. Children who are lovingly corrected feel cared for; they perceive that they are indi- viduals whose potential is recognized. This does not require parents to be perfect, but to be able humbly to acknowledge their own limitations and make efforts to improve. Still, one of the things children need to learn from their parents is not to get carried away by anger. A child who does something wrong must be corrected, but never treated as an enemy or an object on which to take out one’s own frustrations. Adults also need to realize that some kinds of misbehaviour have to do with the frailty and limitations typical of youth. An attitude constantly prone to pun- ishment would be harmful and not help children to realize that some actions are more serious than others. It would lead to discouragement and resentment: “Parents, do not provoke your children” (Eph 6:4; cf. Col 3:21).

270.                          It is important that discipline not lead to discouragement, but be instead a stimulus to fur- ther progress. How can discipline be best inte- riorized?   How do we ensure that discipline is   a constructive limit placed on a child’s actions and not a barrier standing in the way of his or her growth? A balance has to be found between two equally harmful extremes. One would be to try to make everything revolve around the child’s desires; such children will grow up with a sense of their rights but not their responsibilities. The other would be to deprive the child of an aware- ness of his or her dignity, personal identity and rights; such children end up overwhelmed by their duties and a need to carry out other peo- ple’s wishes.

paTienT reaLism

271.                           Moral education entails asking of a child or a young person only those things that do not involve a disproportionate sacrifice, and demand- ing only a degree of effort that will not lead to resentment or coercion. Ordinarily this is done by proposing small steps that can be understood, accepted and appreciated, while including a pro- portionate sacrifice. Otherwise, by demanding too much, we gain nothing. Once the child is free of our authority, he or she may possibly cease to do good.

272.                        Ethical formation is at times frowned upon, due  to  experiences  of  neglect, disappointment,

lack of affection or poor models of parenting. Ethical values are associated with negative images of parental figures or the shortcomings of adults. For this reason, adolescents should be helped to draw analogies: to appreciate that values are best embodied in a few exemplary persons, but also re- alized imperfectly and to different degrees in oth- ers. At the same time, since their hesitation can  be tied to bad experiences, they need help in the process of inner healing and in this way to grow in the ability to understand and live in peace with others and the larger community.

273.                       In proposing values, we have to proceed slowly, taking into consideration the child’s age and abilities, without presuming to apply rigid and inflexible methods. The valuable contribu- tions of psychology and the educational sciences have shown that changing a child’s behaviour in- volves a gradual process, but also that freedom needs to be channeled and stimulated, since by itself it does not ensure growth in maturity. Situ- ated freedom, real freedom, is limited and condi- tioned. It is not simply the ability to choose what is good with complete spontaneity. A distinction is not always adequately drawn between “vol- untary” and “free” acts. A person may clearly and willingly desire something evil, but do so    as the result of an irresistible passion or a poor upbringing. In such cases, while the decision is voluntary, inasmuch as it does not run counter to the inclination of their desire, it is not free, since

it is practically impossible for them not to choose that evil. We see this in the case of compulsive drug addicts.  When they want a fix, they want   it completely, yet they are so conditioned that at that moment no other decision is possible. Their decision is voluntary but not free. It makes no sense to “let them freely choose”, since in fact they cannot choose, and exposing them to drugs only increases their addiction. They need the help of others and a process of rehabilitation.

famiLy Life as an educaTionaL seTTinG

274.                         The family is the first school of human values, where we learn the wise use of  free- dom. Certain inclinations develop in childhood and become so deeply rooted that they remain throughout life, either as attractions to a particu- lar value or a natural repugnance to certain ways of acting. Many people think and act in a certain way because they deem it to be right on the basis of what they learned, as if by osmosis, from their earliest years: “That’s how I was taught”. “That’s what I learned to do”. In the family we can also learn to be critical about certain messages sent by the various media. Sad to say, some television programmes or forms of advertising often nega- tively influence and undercut the values inculcated in family life.

275.                     In our own day, dominated by stress and rapid technological advances, one of the most important  tasks  of   families  is  to  provide  an

education in hope. This does not mean prevent- ing children from playing with electronic devices, but rather finding ways to help them develop their critical abilities and not to think that digital speed can apply to everything in life. Postpon- ing desires does not mean denying them but sim- ply deferring their fulfilment. When children or adolescents are not helped to realize that some things have to be waited for, they can become obsessed with satisfying their immediate needs and develop the vice of “wanting it all now”. This is a grand illusion which does not favour freedom but weakens it. On the other hand, when we are taught to postpone some things un- til the right moment, we learn self-mastery and detachment from our impulses. When children realize that they have to be responsible for them- selves, their self-esteem is enriched. This in turn teaches them to respect the freedom of others. Obviously this does not mean expecting chil- dren to act like adults, but neither does it mean underestimating their ability to grow in respon- sible freedom. In a healthy family, this learning process usually takes place through the demands made by life in common.

276.                       The family is the primary setting for so- cialization, since it is where we first learn to re- late to others, to listen and share, to be patient and show respect, to help one another and live as one. The task of education is to make us sense that the world and society are also our home;

it trains us how to live together in this greater home. In the family, we learn closeness, care and respect for others. We break out of our fatal self- absorption and come to realize that we are living with and alongside others who are worthy of our concern, our kindness and our affection. There is no social bond without this primary, everyday, almost microscopic aspect of living side by side, crossing paths at different times of the day, being concerned about everything that affects us, help- ing one another with ordinary little things. Every day the family has to come up with new ways of appreciating and acknowledging its members.

277.                       In the family too, we can rethink our hab- its of consumption and join in caring for the en- vironment as our common home. “The family  is the principal agent of an integral ecology, be- cause it is the primary social subject which con- tains within it the two  fundamental principles  of human civilization on earth: the principle of communion and the principle of fruitfulness”.294 In the same way, times of difficulty and trouble in the lives of family life can teach important les- sons. This happens, for example, when illness strikes, since “in the face of illness, even in fami- lies, difficulties arise due to human weakness. But in general, times of illness enable family bonds to grow stronger… An education that fails to encourage sensitivity to human illness makes the

294 Catechesis (30 September 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, 1 October 2015, p. 8.

heart grow cold; it makes young people ‘anes- thetized’ to the suffering of others, incapable of facing suffering and of living the experience of limitation”.295

278.                     The educational process that occurs be- tween parents and children can be helped or hindered by the increasing sophistication  of  the communications and entertainment media. When well used, these media can be helpful for connecting family members who live apart from one another. Frequent contacts help to overcome difficulties.296        Still,  it  is  clear  that  these  media cannot replace the need for more personal and direct dialogue, which requires physical presence or at least hearing the voice of the other person. We know that sometimes they can keep people apart rather than together, as when at dinnertime everyone is surfing on a mobile phone, or when one spouse falls asleep waiting for the other who spends hours playing with an electronic device. This is also something that families have to dis- cuss and resolve in ways which encourage inter- action without imposing unrealistic prohibitions. In any event, we cannot ignore the risks that these new forms of communication pose for children and adolescents; at times they can foster apathy and disconnect from the real world. This “technological disconnect” exposes them  more

295 Catechesis (10 June 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, 11 June 2015, p. 8.

296      Cf. Relatio Finalis 2015, 67.

easily to manipulation by those who would invade their private space with selfish interests.

279.                           Nor is it good for parents to be dom- ineering. When children are made to feel that only their parents can be trusted, this hinders an adequate process of socialization and growth in affective maturity. To  help  expand the  paren- tal relationship to broader realities, “Christian communities are called to offer support to the educational  mission  of  families”,297    particularly through the catechesis associated with Christian initiation. To foster an integral education, we need to “renew the covenant between the fam- ily and the Christian community”.298      The Synod wanted to emphasize the importance of Catho- lic schools which “play a vital role in assisting parents in their duty to raise their children… Catholic schools should be encouraged in their mission to help pupils grow into mature adults who can view the world with the love of Jesus and who can understand life as a call to serve God”.299         For this reason, “the Church strongly affirms her freedom to set forth her teaching and the right of conscientious objection on the part of  educators”.300

297 Catechesis (20 May 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, 21  May 2015, p. 8.

298 Catechesis (9 September 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, 10 September 2015, p. 8.

299      Relatio Finalis 2015, 68.

300      Ibid., 58