POST-SYNODAL APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION
AMORIS LÆTITIA
OF
THE HOLY FATHER
FRANCIS
CHAPTER
FOUR
Love in marriaGe
89. All that has been
said so far would be in- sufficient to express the Gospel of marriage and the family, were we not also to speak of love. For we cannot encourage a path of fidelity and mu- tual
self-giving without encouraging the growth, strengthening and deepening of
conjugal and family love. Indeed,
the grace of the sacrament of marriage is intended before
all else “to perfect
the couple’s love”.104 Here too we can say that, “even if I have faith so as to remove mountains,
but have
not love, I am nothing. If
I give all
I have, and if I deliver my
body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing” (1 Cor 13:2-3). The word “love”, however, is commonly used and often misused.105
our daiLy Love
90. In a lyrical passage
of Saint Paul, we see some of the
features of true love:
“Love is patient, love is kind;
104 Catechism of the Catholic
Church, 1641.
105 Cf. BenedicT XVI, Encyclical
Letter Deus Caritas Est
(25 December 2005), 2: AAS 98 (2006),
218.
love is not jealous or boastful; it is not
arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way, it is not
irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in
the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things” (1
Cor 13:4-7).
Love is
experienced and nurtured in the daily life of couples and their children. It is
help- ful to think more deeply about the meaning of this Pauline text and its
relevance for the con- crete situation of
every family.
Love is patient
91. The
first word used is makrothyméi. This does not simply
have to do with “enduring
all things”, because we find that idea expressed
at the end of the seventh verse. Its meaning is
clarified by the Greek
translation of the Old Testament, where we read that God is “slow to anger” (Ex 34:6; Num 14:18).
It refers, then, to the quality
of one who does not act on im- pulse
and avoids giving offense. We find this quality
in the God of the Covenant, who calls us to imitate him
also within the life of
the family. Saint Paul’s texts using this word need to
be read in the light of the Book of
Wisdom (cf. 11:23;
12:2, 15-18), which extols
God’s
restraint, as leaving open the possibility of re- pentance, yet insists on his power, as
revealed in his acts of mercy. God’s “patience”,
shown in his mercy towards sinners, is a
sign of his real power.
92. Being patient does
not mean letting our- selves be constantly mistreated, tolerating phys- ical
aggression or allowing other people to use us. We encounter
problems whenever we think that relationships or people ought to be perfect, or
when we put ourselves at the centre and ex- pect things to turn out our way. Then
everything makes us impatient, everything makes us react aggressively. Unless
we cultivate patience, we will always
find excuses for responding angri- ly. We will
end up incapable of living together, antisocial, unable to control our
impulses, and our families will become battlegrounds. That is why the word of God tells us: “Let all bitterness
and wrath and anger and clamour and slander
be put away from you, with
all malice” (Eph 4:31). Patience
takes root when I recognize that oth- er
people also have a right to live in this world, just as they are. It
does not matter if they hold me back, if they unsettle my plans, or annoy me by the way they act or think, or if they are not
everything I want them to be. Love always
has an aspect of deep compassion that leads to ac- cepting the other person as
part of this world, even when he or she acts differently than I would like.
Love is at the service of others
93. The next word that Paul uses is chrestéuetai.
The word is used only here in the
entire Bible. It is derived from chrestós:
a good person, one who shows his goodness by his deeds. Here, in strict
parallelism with the preceding verb, it
serves as a complement. Paul wants to make it clear that
“patience” is not a completely passive attitude, but one accompanied by activity, by a dynamic and creative
interaction with others. The word indicates that love benefits and helps others. For this reason it is translated as “kind”;
love is ever ready to be of assistance.
94. Throughout the text,
it is clear that Paul wants to stress that love is more than a mere feel- ing.
Rather, it should be understood along the lines of the Hebrew verb “to
love”; it is “to do good”. As Saint Ignatius of Loyola said, “Love is shown
more by deeds than by words”.106 It thus shows
its fruitfulness and allows us to ex- perience the happiness of giving, the
nobility and grandeur of spending ourselves unstinting- ly, without asking to be repaid, purely for the pleasure of
giving and serving.
Love is not jealous
95. Saint
Paul goes on to reject as
contrary to love an
attitude expressed by the verb
zelói – to
be
106 Spiritual Exercises, Contemplation
to Attain Love (230).
jealous or envious. This means that love has no room for discomfiture at another person’s good for- tune (cf. Acts 7:9; 17:5). Envy is a form of sadness
provoked by another’s
prosperity; it shows
that we are not concerned
for the happiness of
others but only
with our own well-being.
Whereas love makes
us rise above ourselves, envy closes
us in on our- selves.
True love values the other
person’s achieve- ments. It does not see him or her as a threat.
It frees us from
the sour taste of envy. It
recognizes that everyone
has different gifts and a unique
path in life. So
it strives to discover
its own road to hap- piness,
while allowing others to find
theirs.
96. In a word, love
means fulfilling the last two
commandments of God’s Law:
“You shall not covet your neighbour’s
house; you shall not covet your
neighbour’s wife, or his manservant, or his
maidservant, or his ox, or his
donkey, or anything that is your neighbour’s” (Ex 20:17). Love in-
spires a sincere esteem for every human being and the
recognition of his or her own right
to happi- ness. I love
this person, and I see him or
her with the eyes of God, who gives us everything “for our enjoyment” (1 Tim 6:17). As a result, I feel a deep sense of happiness and peace. This same deep- ly rooted love also leads me to reject the injustice whereby some
possess too much and others too little. It moves me to
find ways of helping socie- ty’s outcasts to find a modicum of joy. That
is not envy, but the desire for equality.
Love is not boastful
97.
The following word, perpereúetai, denotes vainglory, the need to be haughty, pedantic and somewhat pushy. Those who love not only re- frain from speaking too much about themselves,
but are focused on others; they do not need to be the centre of attention. The word that comes next – physioútai – is similar, indicating that
love is not arrogant. Literally,
it means that we do not
become “puffed up” before others. It
also points to something more subtle: an obsession with showing off and a loss
of a sense of reality. Such people
think that, because they are more “spiritual” or “wise”, they are more
important than they really are. Paul uses
this verb on oth- er occasions, as when he says that “knowledge puffs up”,
whereas “love builds up” (1 Cor 8:1).
Some think that they are important because they are more knowledgeable than
others; they want to lord it over them.
Yet what really makes us important
is a love that understands, shows
con- cern, and embraces the weak. Elsewhere the word is used to criticize those
who are “inflated” with their own
importance (cf. 1 Cor 4:18) but in
fact are filled more with empty words than the real “power” of the Spirit (cf. 1 Cor 4:19).
98.
It is important for
Christians to show their love by the
way they treat family members who
are less knowledgeable about the faith, weak or less sure in their convictions.
At times the op- posite occurs: the supposedly mature believers
within the family become
unbearably arrogant. Love, on the
other hand, is marked by humility; if we are to understand, forgive and serve
others from the heart, our pride has to be healed and our humility must
increase. Jesus told his disci- ples that in a world where power prevails, each tries to dominate the
other, but “it shall not be so among you” (Mt
20:26). The inner logic of Christian love
is not about importance and pow- er; rather, “whoever would be first
among you must be your slave” (Mt 20:27). In family life, the
logic of domination and competition about who is the most intelligent or
powerful destroys love. Saint Peter’s admonition also applies to the
fam- ily: “Clothe yourselves, all of
you, with humil- ity towards one
another, for ‘God opposes the proud, but gives
grace to the humble’” (1 Pet 5:5).
Love is not rude
99.
To
love is also to be gentle and thoughtful, and this is conveyed by the next word, aschemonéi.
It indicates that love is not rude or
impolite; it is not harsh. Its actions, words and gestures are pleasing
and not abrasive or rigid. Love abhors
making others suffer. Courtesy “is a school of sensitivity and disinterestedness” which requires
a person “to develop his or
her mind and feelings, learning how to listen, to speak and, at certain times, to keep quiet”.107 It is not something that a
107 ocTavio paz, La llama doble, Barcelona,
1993, 35.
Christian may accept or reject.
As an essential re-
quirement of love, “every human being
is bound to live agreeably with
those around him”.108 Every day, “entering into the life of another, even when that person already has
a part to play in our life, demands the sensitivity and restraint which
can renew trust and respect.
Indeed, the deeper love is, the more it calls for respect for the other’s free- dom and the ability to wait until the other opens the door to his or her heart”.109
100. To
be open to a genuine encounter with others, “a
kind look” is essential. This is incom- patible with a negative
attitude that readily
points out other people’s shortcomings
while overlook- ing one’s own. A
kind look helps us to see be- yond our own limitations, to be patient and to
cooperate with others, despite our differences. Loving kindness builds bonds, cultivates relation- ships, creates new networks of integration and knits
a firm social fabric. In this way, it grows ever stronger, for without a
sense of belonging we cannot sustain a commitment to others; we end up seeking
our convenience alone and life in common
becomes impossible. Antisocial persons think that others exist only for the
satis- faction of their own needs. Consequently, there is no room for the
gentleness of love and its
108 Thomas
aquinas, Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 114, art. 2, ad 1.
109 Catechesis (13 May 2005): L’Osservatore Romano,
14 May 2015, p. 8.
expression. Those who love are
capable of speak- ing words of comfort, strength,
consolation, and encouragement. These were the words that Jesus himself spoke: “Take heart, my son!” (Mt 9:2); “Great is your faith!” (Mt 15:28); “Arise!” (Mk 5:41); “Go in peace” (Lk 7:50); “Be not afraid” (Mt 14:27). These are not words that
demean, sadden, anger or show scorn. In our families, we must learn
to imitate Jesus’
own gentleness in our
way of speaking to one another.
Love is generous
101..
We
have repeatedly said that to love
an- other we must first love ourselves.
Paul’s hymn to love, however, states that love “does not seek its own interest”, nor
“seek what is its own”. This same idea is expressed in another text: “Let each
of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others”
(Phil 2:4). The Bible makes it clear that generously
serving others is far more noble than loving ourselves.
Loving ourselves is only important as a psycho- logical prerequisite for
being able to love others: “If a man is mean to himself, to whom will he be generous? No one is meaner than the
man who is grudging to himself ” (Sir 14:5-6).
102. Saint Thomas Aquinas
explains that “it is more proper to
charity to desire to love than
to desire to be loved”;110 indeed, “mothers, who are those who love the
most, seek to love more than to be loved”.111 Consequently, love can transcend and overflow the demands
of justice, “expecting nothing in return” (Lk
6:35), and the greatest of loves can lead to “laying down one’s life” for
another (cf. Jn 15:13). Can such
gener- osity, which enables us to give freely and fully, really be possible?
Yes, because it is demanded by the Gospel: “You received without pay, give
without pay” (Mt 10:8).
Love is not irritable or resentful
103. If the first word of Paul’s hymn spoke of the need for a
patience that does not immedi- ately react harshly to the weaknesses and faults
of others, the word he uses next – paroxýnetai
– has to do more with an interior indignation pro- voked by something from
without. It refers to a violent reaction within, a hidden
irritation that sets us on edge where others are concerned, as if
they were troublesome or threatening and thus to be avoided. To nurture such interior hostility helps no
one. It only causes hurt and alienation. Indignation is only healthy when it
makes us react to a grave injustice; when it permeates our attitude towards
others it is harmful.
ad 2.
110
Thomas aquinas, Summa Theologiae, II-II, q. 27, art. 1,
111 Ibid., q. 27, art.
1.
104. The Gospel tells us
to look to the log in our own eye (cf. Mt
7:5). Christians cannot ig- nore the persistent admonition of God’s word
not to nurture anger: “Do not be overcome by evil” (Rm 12:21). “Let us not grow weary in do- ing good” (Gal 6:9). It is one thing to sense a
sudden surge of hostility and another to give into
it, letting it take root in our hearts: “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Eph 4:26). My advice is never to let the
day end without making peace in the family. “And how am I going to make peace? By
getting down on my knees? No! Just by a small gesture, a little something, and harmony within
your fam- ily will be
restored. Just a little caress, no words are
necessary. But do not let the day
end with- out making peace in your family”.112 Our
first reaction when we are annoyed should be one of heartfelt blessing, asking
God to bless, free and heal that
person. “On the contrary bless, for
to this you have been called, that
you may obtain a blessing” (1 Pet 3:9).
If we must fight evil, so be it; but we must always
say “no” to violence in the
home.
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