POST-SYNODAL APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION
AMORIS LÆTITIA
OF
THE HOLY FATHER
FRANCIS
CHAPTER
FOUR
Love in marriaGe
(contd.)
Love forgives
105. Once we allow ill
will to take root in our hearts, it leads to deep resentment. The phrase ou logízetai to kakón means
that love “takes no
112 Catechesis (13 May 2015): L’Osservatore Romano,
14 May 2015, p. 8.
account of evil”; “it is not
resentful”. The oppo- site of resentment is forgiveness, which
is rooted in a positive
attitude that seeks to understand other people’s
weaknesses and to
excuse them. As Jesus said, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what
they do” (Lk 23:34). Yet we
keep looking for more and more faults, imagining greater evils, presuming all
kinds of bad intentions, and so resentment grows and deepens. Thus, every
mistake or lapse on the part of a spouse can harm the bond of love and the stability of the family.
Something is wrong when we see every problem as equally serious; in this
way, we risk being
unduly harsh with the fail- ings of others. The just desire to see our rights respected turns into a
thirst for vengeance rather than a
reasoned defence of our dignity.
106. When we have been offended
or let down, forgiveness is possible and desirable, but no one can say
that it is easy. The truth is that
“family communion can only be preserved
and perfected through a great
spirit of sacrifice. It requires,
in fact, a ready and generous openness of each and all to understanding,
to forbearance, to par- don, to reconciliation. There is no family that does
not know how selfishness, discord, tension and conflict violently attack and at
times mortal- ly wound its own communion: hence there arise
the many and varied forms of
division in family life”.113
107. Today we recognize that being able to for- give
others implies the liberating experience of understanding and forgiving ourselves. Often our mistakes, or
criticism we have received from
loved ones, can lead to a loss of
self-esteem. We become distant from
others, avoiding affection and fearful in our interpersonal relationships.
Blaming others becomes falsely reassuring. We
need to learn to pray over our
past history, to accept ourselves,
to learn how to live with our
limitations, and even to forgive ourselves, in order to have this same attitude towards
others.
108. All this assumes that
we ourselves have had the experience
of being forgiven by God, justified by his grace and not by our own merits. We have
known a love that is prior to
any of our own efforts, a love that
constantly opens doors, promotes and encourages. If we accept that God’s love is unconditional, that the Father’s love cannot
be bought or sold, then we will become capable of showing boundless love and
forgiving others even if they have wronged
us. Otherwise, our family
life will no longer be a place of under- standing, support and encouragement, but rather one of
constant tension and mutual criticism.
113 John pauL II, Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio (22 November 1981),
21: AAS 74 (1982), 106.
Love rejoices with others
109. The expression chaírei epì te adikía has
to do with
a negativity lurking deep within a per-
son’s heart. It is the toxic attitude
of those who rejoice at seeing an injustice done to others. The
following phrase expresses its opposite:
sygchaírei te aletheía: “it rejoices in the right”. In other words, we rejoice at the good of others when we see their dignity and value their abilities and
good works. This is impossible for those who must always be
comparing and competing, even with their spouse,
so that they secretly rejoice in
their failures.
110. When a loving person
can do good for others, or sees that others are happy, they them- selves live happily and in this way give glory
to God, for “God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Cor 9:7). Our Lord especially appreciates those who find joy
in the happiness of others. If we fail to learn how to rejoice
in the well-being of others, and fo- cus primarily
on our own needs, we condemn our-
selves to a joyless existence,
for, as Jesus said, “it is
more blessed to give than to receive”
(Acts
20:35). The family must always be a place where, when something good happens to one of its members, they
know that others will be there to
celebrate it with them.
Love bears all things
111. Paul’s
list ends with four phrases contain- ing the
words “all things”. Love bears all things,
believes all things, hopes all
things, endures all things. Here we see clearly the countercultural power of a
love that is able to face whatever might threaten it.
112,
First, Paul says that love “bears all things” (panta
stégei). This is about more than simply put- ting up with evil; it has to
do with the use of the tongue. The
verb can mean “holding one’s peace”
about what may be wrong with another person. It implies limiting judgment,
checking the im- pulse to issue a firm and
ruthless condemnation: “Judge not and you will not be judged” (Lk 6:37). Although it runs contrary to
the way we normal- ly use our
tongues, God’s word tells us: “Do not speak evil against
one another, brothers and sis- ters” (Jas 4:11). Being willing to speak
ill of an- other person is a way of asserting ourselves, vent- ing resentment and envy without
concern for the harm we may do. We often forget
that slander can be quite sinful; it is a grave offense against God when it
seriously harms another person’s good
name and causes damage that is hard to repair. Hence God’s word forthrightly
states that the tongue “is a world of iniquity” that “stains the whole body” (Jas 3:6);
it is a “restless evil, full of deadly
poison” (3:8). Whereas the tongue can be used to “curse those who are made in the likeness of God” (3:9), love cherishes the good name of others,
even one’s enemies. In seeking to
uphold God’s law we must never forget
this specific requirement of love.
113. Married couples
joined by love speak well of each
other; they try to show their spouse’s good side, not their weakness
and faults. In any event, they keep silent rather than
speak ill of them. This is not merely a way
of acting in front of others; it springs from an interior atti- tude. Far from ingenuously claiming not to see
the problems and weaknesses of others, it sees those weaknesses and faults in a
wider context. It recognizes that these failings are a part of a bigger picture.
We have to realize that all of us are a complex mixture of light and
shadows. The other person is much
more than the sum of the little things that annoy me. Love does not have to
be perfect for us to value it. The other person loves me as best they can, with all their limits,
but the fact that love is imperfect
does not mean that
it is untrue or unreal. It is real, albeit limited and earthly. If I expect too much, the other person will let me know, for he or she can neither play God
nor serve all my needs. Love coexists
with imperfection. It “bears all things” and can hold its peace before the
limitations of the loved one.
Love believes all things
114. Panta pisteúei.
Love believes all things. Here
“belief ” is not to be taken in its strict the- ological meaning, but more in
the sense of what we mean by “trust”. This goes beyond simply presuming that
the other is not lying or cheating. Such
basic trust recognizes God’s light
shining
beyond the darkness, like an ember
glowing be- neath the ash.
115. This trust enables a relationship to be free. It
means we do not have to control the other per- son,
to follow their
every step lest they escape
our grip. Love trusts, it
sets free, it does not try to control,
possess and dominate everything. This freedom, which fosters independence, an
open- ness to the world around us and to new experi- ences, can only enrich and
expand relationships. The spouses then
share with one another the joy of all they have received and learned outside the family circle. At the
same time, this free- dom makes for sincerity and transparency, for those who know that they are trusted and ap- preciated can be open and
hide nothing. Those who know that
their spouse is always suspicious,
judgmental and lacking unconditional love, will
tend to keep secrets, conceal their failings and weaknesses, and pretend to be
someone other than who they are. On the other hand, a family marked by loving
trust, come what may, helps its members to be themselves and
spontaneously to reject deceit,
falsehood, and lies.
Love hopes all things
116. Panta elpízei.
Love does not despair of the future.
Following upon what has just been said, this
phrase speaks of the hope
of one who knows that
others can change, mature and radiate unex-
pected beauty and untold potential. This does
not mean that everything will change in this life. It does
involve realizing that, though things may
not always turn out as we wish, God
may well make crooked lines straight and draw some good from the evil we endure in this world.
117. Here hope comes most
fully into its own, for it embraces the
certainty of life after death. Each
person, with all his or her failings, is
called to the fullness of life in heaven. There, fully transformed by Christ’s resurrection, every weakness,
darkness and infirmity will pass away. There
the person’s true being will shine
forth in all its goodness
and beauty. This realization helps us, amid the
aggravations of this present life, to see each person from a supernatural perspective, in the light of hope, and await the fullness that he
or she will receive in the heavenly
kingdom, even if it is not yet visible.
Love endures all things
118. Panta hypoménei. This means
that love bears every trial with a positive attitude.
It stands firm in hostile surroundings. This
“endurance” involves not only the ability to tolerate certain aggravations, but
something greater: a constant
readiness to confront any challenge. It is a love that never gives up, even in the darkest hour. It shows a certain dogged heroism, a power to resist every
negative current, an irrepressible commitment to goodness. Here I think of the
words of Martin Luther King, who
met every
kind of trial and tribulation with
fraternal love: “The person who hates you most has some good in
him; even the nation that hates you most has some good in it; even the race that hates you most has some good in it. And when you come to the point
that you look in the face of every man and see deep down within him what reli-
gion calls ‘the image of God’, you begin to love him in spite of [everything].
No matter what he does, you see God’s image
there. There is an element of goodness that he can never
sluff off… Another way that you love
your enemy is this: when the
opportunity presents itself for you to defeat your enemy, that is the time which you must not do it… When you rise
to the level of love, of its great beauty and power, you seek only to defeat
evil systems. Individuals who happen to be caught up in that system, you love,
but you seek to defeat the system… Hate for hate only intensifies the existence
of hate and evil in the universe. If I hit you and you hit me and I hit you
back and you hit me back and so on, you see, that goes on ad infinitum. It just never ends. Somewhere somebody must have a little sense, and that’s the strong person. The strong
person is the person who can cut off the chain of hate, the chain of evil…
Somebody must have religion enough and morality enough to cut it off and inject within the very structure
of the universe that strong and
powerful ele- ment of love”.114
119. In family life, we
need to cultivate that strength of love which
can help us fight every evil threatening it. Love
does not yield to resent- ment, scorn for others or the desire to hurt
or to gain some advantage. The Christian
ideal, es- pecially in families, is a love that
never gives up. I am sometimes amazed
to see men or women who have had to separate from their spouse for
their own protection, yet, because of their en- during conjugal love, still try to help them, even by enlisting others, in their moments of
illness, suffering or trial. Here too we see a love that never gives up.
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